don't tell anybody anything

The mood swing's daughter

2012-01-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

It's gonna be too early to tell if one of my resolutions is to draw everyday. But I'm trying. I woke up to a very beautiful morning with an eager imagination.Then like a needle bursting a bubble, the PMS mood swing attacked. After a few punches and lips biting, I ran into my sketch book, started to draw.She's not what I had in my imagination, she's distorted, she's locked inside a tube of anger.She's plain, but she's trying...I was trying.

She sees me seeing her seeing me

2012-01-12T07:04:00.000-08:00

Does anyone know where did the time fly away to?

2012-01-12T06:59:00.001-08:00

because it didn't tell me...

Saturday Surprise

2011-04-16T22:59:00.000-07:00

Since I developed allergic to Noinoi's protein (which I believe coming from his sperm), Piwat and I decided to give Noinoi to his mom.
And up till early of this year, I still regretted the fact that Noinoi wasn't sprayed. I felt bad to see him running erratically as his hormones raging...
Thanks to @iwansutrisno, Piwat found the way to "satisfy" Noinoi's sexual excitement with his own hands. Though so, that wasn't the perfect way to get Noinoi happy.

Luckily, Piwat's mom found a neighbor who had rabbits and willing to give her one of the female. Meet Nuat! (from the word: Inuat (moustache))

Noinoi was more than [s]excited. The horny boy raped her, forged his willy to any of her holes, badass Noinoi!

So, come what may, look what Noinoi and Nuat brought to us yesterday!
4 whites and a black.

for Echie

2011-03-20T07:16:00.001-07:00

things are breaking apart

2011-03-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

just to fall right into places.

That's Piwat's albino lobster that he got from my brother 6 months ago (rumors said when it grows up it will value up to 10.000 bath/ 350 USD.)

2 mornings ago, it seemed indisposed, its legs were hobble, then...the next is what you see.

Do you know that lobsters shed their skin? We didn't...

When I'm 64

2011-03-14T10:14:00.001-07:00

and these feet no longer walking as fast and as strong...
will you take me far to this little heaven on earth?
to hear the stars singing lullaby
to feel the touch of morning dew...

and will we do the garden, digging the weed?

and if you say yes, then let's grow old and get wrinkly together...

Petchaboon 4-5 March 2011

[--------------]

2011-03-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

If I tell you to not put your iphone next to your head, it isn’t my suggestion. It is actually stated in the iphone manual.

How did I get to know that? Well, I am just a common people like you, who never really read what’s stated on a manual, except to know how to activate my gadget, how to fully utilize it, anything that benefits me from my gadget.

Until two days ago:
I was bored in a car photo shoot (in case you haven’t been to any, it means 8 hours of taking ONE shot of a car that’s gonna be on an ad that you won’t read for more than a minute *unless you have 40.000 USD to lavish on a car.)
My mom called, told stories about her new friends, a 70-something years old couple travelling around Europe and Asia.
You get the picture.

So, I talked for about 45 mins with my mom. Around the 30th minute, I felt a spasm inside my head. But we were in a good mood and the talk ended 15 min later.
By that time, my iphone was moderately hot and a sense of nuisance was budding from the upper side of my left ear.

Of course, I’ve heard about potential harmful effect of the cell phone antennae’s radiation, but it’s either I ignored it or figured it was some sort of technological paranoia. One way or another, I always swished it off.

Until that unexpected nuisance.

So, I begun to search anything related to the [i]phone’s antennae effect when I bumped into this blog talking about the RF radiation and mentioned that it is suggested in the iphone manual that we should keep iphone 5/8 inch away from our body.
Now it gets me serious.
Later on, I dag out my iphone manual, turned every page and here’s what I read on the page 7:

iPhone’s SAR measurement may exceed the FCC exposure guidelines for
body-worn operation if positioned less than 15 mm (5/8 inch) from the
body (e.g., when carrying iPhone in your pocket).

For optimal mobile device performance and to be sure that human
exposure to RF energy does not exceed the FCC, IC, and European Union
guidelines, always follow these instructions and precautions: When on a
call using the built-in audio receiver in iPhone, hold iPhone with the dock
connector pointed down toward your shoulder to increase separation
from the antenna. When using iPhone near your body for voice calls
or for wireless data transmission over a cellular network, keep iPhone
at least 15 mm (5/8 inch) away from the body, and only use carrying cases,
belt clips, or holders that do not have metal parts and that maintain at
least 15 mm (5/8 inch) separation between iPhone and the body.

I stared at the words. This is what concerns me: Apple knows something. They know enough to put this consideration (carefully crafted until legally accepted into a state of mitigating.)
I couldn’t help but imagined if a worst case scenario happened, all the liabilities would be easily shifted as Apple had gently suggested us.

So, now what?
Off course, we can start ignoring how weird we will look holding the iphone this far 5/8 inch or this far: [--------------] away from our head, talking on speaker or with a headset as a precaution.
But do bear in mind that the radiation also presents even when we’re not on a call.

In my case, now my iphone is officially moved from my jeans pocket to my –black hole- bag, am going back to a clock alarm, avoiding my iphone anywhere near the bed and…sharing this with you.

further reading

waking up in the city that never sleeps

2011-03-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

Lil veggie patch

2011-01-23T21:33:00.000-08:00

let the water flow
let the wind blow
let the sun glow
then you'll know
how to grow grow grow.

cloudy with a chance of...sunshine!

2011-01-17T20:14:00.000-08:00

Guitar has failed me as far as I could remember.
The only one song I manage to play on a guitar, will be...the intro of Linger.
And for music's sake, it's a guitar dummy song! yet I couldn't manage to play a full version...
speaking of a broken heart...

I almost forget the whole idea of me and guitar cuddling in the rain,
me hugging her curvy body, trying to make her moan...
While all I could hear was a shriek *I am no good at fingering her, I guess...

Then, just like when you were brokenhearted and ready to let go all the chances...
Ha! that's when something beautiful comes offering a new hope.
So, all you can do is, falling in love all over again and trying all your best.

Quoting Amanda Palmer, the heroine of all playgirls:
"Ukulele asks to not to be taken seriously... there's a kind of lightness and a kind of charming fervority...it's not very dynamic, it forces you to strip down and tell your story."

So,it's all begin...

UNKL.UKE from UNKL NEIL taken with EOS 550D from CAPT.MM
these are two of my new favorite things!

this is it

2011-01-07T02:08:00.000-08:00

I was invited to a bible study by a devoted Christian colleague few days after new year. This is like me getting invited to a 3 days in a row rave party. As much as I am honored of being considered, that is just not my cup of tea, and invitiation to a high tea with the Queen will also serve the same feeling. But, it is not fair to reject something that I have never tried before. Anyway, it is just an appropriate favor when a colleague nicely offer you a, well...maybe friendship and way to know God, better.

So, I did went to their bible study. Now, I've decided that it was my first and last.

It is not that I got burnt, but is just that what they have in mind about God are counter to mine. For me, God and faith is something personal and private. I don't want any noise of other opinions drown mine. It won't, I know, so that also leaves me with: "what's the point of joining than if I don't want to take any of those views?"

As I hit the number 29, I realize that in a year, less than 360 days from the time I wrote this, I would be the number 30. And all those time, spinning in a speed of light. I don't wanna waste anymore of my time listen to things I don't want to listen or watching too much porn. Because at the end, it is my inner voice that knows best and anything else, is secondary. I am tightening.

So far, it feels good to listen to yourself, to brave yourself refusing things that you don't [really] like. Get drown into yourself gives serenity that taking you away from dogma.

Your life is so busy, then...

2011-01-07T01:20:00.000-08:00

I would SCREAM OUT LOUD till I turned GREEN.

To be continued...

2010-12-31T08:01:00.000-08:00

Au revoir the year of daze and confusion. Twas started with a strange trip to Ho Chi Minh. Flied out from the chaotic Bangkok to experience living on a high lane in KL. Central World was half burnt down. Winning the Killer's ticket but Flower's mom was dead and strained days in Singapore were begin. A good friend turned to be Judas Iscariot, but me no Jesus. A pure heart was spoiled by paranoid mind. Singapore Airlines failed big time. A great ECD was axed and the whole working field had turned to be a battleship with no side to take on. Walked out from the English to the Japanese. Pocket was torn for investment on someone's future. Love grew bigger, so did the room, 45 to 68, 12 to 21. The beach was as beautiful as the mountain, Samui as Khao Yai. 2 best friends got married. The sister graduated. The brother graduated. A future in law got married. 3 best friends got pregnant. A cousin got pregnant. A niece was born. Grandma passed away. Braces were taken out. 2 good friends found love. Meeting the future extended family in laws. The first twig of our very own nest had been put.

The sweetest met the bitterest , 2010 was as surreal as the rabbit hole. Less than i know, the rabbit has appeared, I am ready to jump higher.

Thank you for another year to experience the good and the bad. For another year of opportunity to embrace life. For another year of chances to re-do the good and get better. For another year to forgive the heart, make peace with the self and be happier.

Happy new year isn't anything new but it never gets old to be wished!
Cheers for your lucky number 1.1.11, it's a good odd to start an unexpected year!

xoxo

The new year's daughter

An Ode to the Ocean

2010-12-27T11:28:00.000-08:00

The mind's opened
The infinite universe's revealed
The soul is left to wander...

taken with Canon G10
music: Sogg by Amiina

Hohoho!

2010-12-25T22:55:00.000-08:00

For the dearest friends who keep the world sane
For the family who teach the value of virtue
for the lover who make the journey less hard to travel
for the job that keeps safe and warm
for the dreams that keep me going
for the health that make things possible
for the bad things that teach patience
for the mistakes that make a better person
for the good heart experienced every day that keep me believing

I've been so blessed...and I hope you know how you too, have been my blessing.

Merry Christmas and happy holiday, everyone!

for the unconditional love.

2010-12-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

She
May be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
May be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream

She may not be what she may seem inside her shell

She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry

She
May be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years

Me
I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For wherever she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is She.

what is it in a name?

2010-11-22T23:57:00.000-08:00

On Friday 19 Nov, 2010 20.10
I left my iphone 3GS in one of the toilet in Plaza Indonesia.
It took me 10 minutes after leaving the toilet to get alarmed.
By the time I got there...it was obviously gone.

So, after running around the mall with no explicit reasons except to find a glimpse of an old lady who was in the same toilet after me (10 minutes later after me.)I sat down with my dearest friends, laughing while began to learn my lesson.

lesson #1 is to listen to your instinct.
Before I took out my phone I knew I was gonna forget it if I put it down on the top of the toilet, yet...I was still doing it.

I called Piwat later at night to tell him that I lost my phone and it was out of service so I couldn't locate it.
lesson #2 is to keep a guy who gives you an expensive thing and doesn't get upset at all when you carelessly lose it because your feeling is more important to him.

In the morning, I got an idea to activate my Bangkok number although it was gonna be a hell of hassle for Piwat. Aside from his wish to enjoy the weekend cleaning the apartment and watching final Sepak Takraw Thailand- Malaysia, Piwat asked me to wait. There's no point doing things if the finder is a finder-keeper, if s/he wants to return it s/he will find a way.

lesson #3 is to listen to the lesson #2 guy.

lesson #4 never storm into the storm.

On Saturday, 20 Nov, 2010 15.55
My mom received an SMS: "Selamat sore, ini mamanya Irvine bukan ya? bisa tolong telepon saya? terima kasih"

and there Juliet Capulet, the finder of my iphone name's Angel...
lesson #5 A name is more than just a name...

ps: Regarding lesson #1 when I "lost" my phone, everybody was so worried except me and Piwat, in my side, somehow there's something inside me telling me that the phone is still mine. At that time, I of course ignoring my heart, what the hell it knew, eh? but heaven knew.

lesson #6 Prayers and good heart will lead you to a good karma.

and in this case I am more than blessed to have all good people surrounding me, helping me with their prayers and good karma.
(This is including Hilda, who returned a Blackberry and an iphone that she found in Central Park's toilet a month ago).

The Art of Emptiness

2010-11-11T23:07:00.000-08:00

I am not, I will not be.
I have not, I will not have.
This frightens all children and kills fear in the wise.
-Nagarjuna-

63,113,904 seconds of sundries.

2010-10-05T00:48:00.000-07:00

It’s not about saying goodbye that makes me sad, it’s what I have to leave behind that’s hard. In my case, it’s leaving a great partner like Riva.

On our first year in Lowe Bangkok, Riva and I lived nearby; we used to walk together on our way back home from Lowe, little did I know that those walking have taken a big part of my Bangkok memory.
One of our creative directors always wonders about what we talked during that 20 minutes walk after spending time sitting side by side all day at work.

Being away from home, in the land where people don’t talk your language -nor English- is hard, but with a good companion like Riva, it’s doable. I feel like his presence is one of the whys I could survive till this far.

I took a short walk to recollect what Riva and I have done together these past two years but I ended up thousand miles from where I started.

When we came to work in Lowe Bangkok, let alone had ideas of how to manage a life there, we'd never been there before. And many times on the couple first months, we wanted to leave and got back home, somehow we didn’t. We never bought things because we didn’t want to end up piling up stuffs we didn’t know how to take home. We felt alienated when we talked to the locals and we felt left out when we talked with our colleagues who mostly were much more senior.

It’s just like we were thrown back to our teenage years where the firsts happened. We were excited, we were lost and we hung on there by creating our own new theories of survival.

I question where did our two years fly to? We felt like Bangkok has stolen our time being. Friends who were singles now parents, friends who were reckless now restless. And we, we always thought that as if we were capsulated in a time machine.

But really, it’s not. Riva’s no longer having 3 digits weight and has a great future with an adorable girl; I’m no longer having crooked front teeth or celebrating New Year as a single. We now accept the fact politics happen everywhere, shit happens, bad energy exists and only pure heart saves. We have significant deposits in our accounts. We believe that only good works matter. We do not worry much. And we are closer than we were before.

There are times we experienced that’s defined by a singular emotion but most of important times in our 2 years together are defined by a mix of feelings that blends perfectly like a quintessential cocktail. The ingredients are simply: supporting each other, being ears and mouths for each other and some others odds that I’m not able to describe. All I know is that cocktail tastes nice, strange and a bit spicy, enough to make my eyes water.

And I am glad that it was Riva. Quoting what our dearest friend: Iwan said: “Well, actually when you’re no longer working with Riva, you should be happy, cos now you and Riva are officially best friends, not colleagues.”

Bangkok merindukan Jakarta.

2010-08-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

Pagi dingin 'gak ada sinar mentari
Dan langit pun terlihat gelap
Mendung datang lagi

Dan aku berdiri di atas gedung yang tinggi
Memandang ramainya Jakarta
Menyambut pagi ini

Aku di sini, sendiri...
Aku di sini, oh sepi...
Mengapa aku di sini?
Jakarta pagi ini

Pagi sunyi 'gak ada burung bernyanyi
Putih embun pun kini telah terkontaminasi
Aku seperti terbang 'gak memijak bumi
Di antara merahnya emosi Jakarta yang
S'makin ternodai

Aku di sini
Walau apa yang terjadi sampai aku mati

Tempatku bukan di sini...
Jakarta pagi ini

Pagi ini, saya mendengarkan lagu ini di dalam shuttle bus yang membawa saya dari apartemen ke kantor.
Pagi ini, saya berangkat lebih pagi dari biasanya.
Pagi ini, saya merasa tempat saya bukan di sini.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan hiruk pikuk ibu dan adik-adik saya setiap pagi.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan nasi uduk sarapan pagi lengkap dengan sambal terasi yang dibeli terburu-buru untuk di makan di mobil.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan terjebak di kemacetan pagi Jakarta sembari mendengarkan Panji dan Steni di Radio Hardrock.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan datang pagi di kantor, bergosip lalu menertawakan kebodohan diri bersama Fenny Safero, Lucy dan Acha.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan masa mengerjakan tugas kuliah DKV sampai subuh, lalu mendengarkan lagu ini di atap rumah Echie, bersama Hilda, Carla dan Indri...
Pagi ini, saya merindukan Rensi yang kadang sudah menelepon di pagi hari hanya untuk memastikan saya akan datang ke kampus.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan datang ke kampus pagi-pagi untuk kelas jam 7, lalu makan bubur ayam PG.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan ketakutan karena akan terlambat masuk kelas sementara PR matematika belum dibuat dan belum belajar untuk ulangan biologi.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan ngobrol di depan kelas I-5 bersama Rensi, Shierly, Anne, Karini dan Brigida.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan saat menulis email untuk Maudy dan berkeluh kesah tentang galaunya hati.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan Wira yang akan menjemput untuk lari pagi di Senayan.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan saat membaca email dari Ardi tentang ia dan logika-logika berpikirnya, dan menemukan sebuah attachment berisi cerpen terbarunya.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan Jakarta...di mana semua yang saya cintai berada
semua yang mengerti saya tanpa kata-kata dan logika berada...

Pagi ini, saya ingin pulang...

Do we always need to know where the story ends?

2010-08-01T21:52:00.000-07:00

"I don't know the key to success but I know the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
- Bill Cosby-

I used to have a very good friend here in Thailand. We shared stories, of my numb heart, of her healed slits. We shared laughter, dreams and good times. Or at least that what I thought we had…

She used to bring rainbows in my life until she one day brought my boyfriend, her best friend, to our friendship. She used to share everything with him, including our new friendship.

Here’s the thing: I didn’t just wake up one morning having my boyfriend as my boyfriend. There were whole long periods of knowing each other, of finding each other fit and of feeling that we wanted more than just friendship. I didn’t steal him from anyone nor I owed anyone anything for our relationship.

Maybe she’s hurt because she feels that she lost us. But the truth is, she didn’t. Maybe she knows what she’s dealing with but just not knowing how to deal with it. Maybe we were being lovebirds, ignoring her, maybe…

So much dramas, unspeakable exasperation, silent jealousy… sadness and loss remained mum…

We’re not the same ever since…she lost me, I lost her, she lost him, he lost her. The fact that she lost the most, actually made the whole thing doubly sucked.

Times and life: they’re all moving. Things and plans: they are changing.
We don’t know how the story goes, let alone directing the happy endings and we just can’t please everyone, can we?

Sadly as it is, but I just wish we didn’t have to choose, because actually there’s nothing to choose. Why can’t we just live together, stop being over think and just enjoy the times? Because strange time it is that we are having…

pic's borrowed from ffffound

this bruises

2010-06-27T02:57:00.000-07:00

will heal...
but it is more than just the color blue on the skin.

on the attempt to be "Domestic Goddess" #1

2010-06-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

well, after almost two years living in Bangkok, I am proudly presenting you my new ability to cook a real Thai cuisine: Tom Yum Pla!

Tom Yum pla is a sour spicy soup, the taste is very light yet so refreshing. It could be less spicy if you can't take spicy food, but it should be sour.

Piwat was the head chef of this Saturday Lunch Project, but it was me who initiated the idea, prepared all the ingredients, and...cooked it! *smug alert!

it's a very simple + non hassle soup and I'm glad to share it with you. If one day you decide to try it, please share me the story of how it goes on your side.

So, all the chefs, swipe your trickles of drool and here we go!

Ingredients

4 cups of water
2 Lemongrass stalks, cut into 4 pieces each and smash.
4-6 torn Lime Leaves
3 slices of Galangal
2-3 Limes [depends on how sour you'd like it to be]
10 - 15 bird's eye chili [depends on how far you can handle it]
1 tomato [at the end, we didn't use it because Piwat didn't like it, but the taste is still as great]
1 stem Coriander [including the root]
3 tablespoon of Fish Sauce
A pinch of Ajinomoto MSG
1 teaspoon dry chili

3 Thai Mackerel [small size]

A bowl of Oyster Mushroom

DIRECTIONS

Soup Stock

1.Boil the water in a small pan, add the crushed Lemongrass stalk, Cilantro root, Galangal, 2-3 bird's eye chili and torn lime leaves.
Turn the heat to medium, and boil the herbs for about 5 minutes to release the flavor. The soup color will be light green after that.

2. Add Thai Mackerel to release its stock. Cook for another 2-3 minutes.

3. Throw all the mushroom and cook for another 3 minutes until they're soft.

Soup Flavor

While waiting, squeeze the lime juice in a medium bowl. Add fish sauce, crushed bird's eye chili and dry chili, put a pinch of Ajinomoto.

Finale.
Once your soup stock is done, pour the water, fish and mushroom into the soup flavor bowl [you can leave lemon grass, lime leaves and galangal behind]
Add some more fish sauce, dry chili or lime juice to adjust your taste.

Garnish with Cilantro.

YUM! AROY MAK!
[translation: yum! super delicio!]

The Unexplainable Tears.

2010-06-03T01:17:00.000-07:00

You and me, we surely are born with some different things at the very core of our lives. I call it: the heat that burns us alive.

Mine, anyhow, sometimes gets out of my control. It bulges or sometimes shrinks, it shakes me up. It gets out of my hand, beyond my composure.

What I really want to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person, to you, yes you.
But, seems that I can't do it. Because you, yes you, just don't get it.

Of course, the problem could be that I'm not good at explaining it.
But is there a chance that it is because you, yes you, are not listening very well? You pretend and you tell yourself that you are listening, but...you are not, really.

And what is the difference? it is just hard to tell, just like you can't tell the difference between reality and the workings of the heart.

trompe l'oeil

2010-05-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

The buildings of moments sometimes are not built to be told, although it was built by the bricks of time. And time, it never stops walking.

In a story, there's a passage, beginning and end, flow and course, but sometimes something exists far beyond moment or reasons. beyond why or even any odyssey.

Here, everything is destined from the beginning that somehow determinism is not a dark shadow upon a life with no choices. Choices is just a vague shade, projected from the sense of a journey, roads and the crossroad of time.

a moment that you can't really tell because maybe it is not even a moment...

Sunday Morning, Bring the Dawn In...

2010-05-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

mensana in corpore sano and I can't agree for more...

George Carlin on “The Modern Man” (From “A Life Worth Losing”)

2010-04-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist.
Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.

I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading.

I’m a high-tech lowlife.

A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bicoastal multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I’m new wave, but I’m old school, and my inner child is outward bound.

I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable.

I interface with my database, and my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging a bullet, pushing the envelope.

I’m on point, on task, on message, and off drugs.

I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge.
I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.
A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb, a top-gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.
I’m a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.

A raging workaholic; a working rageaholic.

Out of rehab, and in denial.

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.
You can’t shut me up, you can’t dumb me down.
‘Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion forward.
Up front, down home, low-rent, high-maintenance.
Super-size, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready, and built to last.
I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk, headcase.
Prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail.
But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing, a supportive bonding nurturing primary caregiver.

My output is down, but my income is up.

I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly, and lactose-intolerant.

I like rough sex, I like rough sex, I like tough love, I use the F-word in my E-Mail, and the software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall;I bought a mini van in a mega store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.

A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal, lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
Rough tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride.
Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’, jivin’ and groovin’, wailin’ and whinin.’
I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty, and lunch time is crunch time.
I’m hanging in, there ain’t no doubt.

And I’m hanging tough, over and out.”

- George Carlin

from the bottom of my pencil case.

2010-04-01T23:03:00.000-07:00

it's either i was a bad student or...school merely didnt teach:

how to love somebody and compromise to make it work.
how to be happy with what you have.
how to know what's going on in someone's else's mind.
how to stop the fast running train nor how to jump out of it.
how to tell someone that they are screwed up.
what to say to someone who's dying.
how to be rich or how to be poor.
how to walk away from someone you don't understand any longer.

pic's borrowed from adsoftheworld

eenie meenie minie mo

2010-03-19T00:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you do something, and you get screwed. Sometimes it's the things you don't do, and you get screwed. -Chuck Palahniuk-

I went home early 2 nights ago, had my PMS, bored and flat and ended my day wept on my bed till my nose hurt.
I was caught up in the “SHOULD” trap.

My office SHOULD have less politics.
My clients SHOULD be reasonable.
My colleague SHOULD be less irritating.
My apartment SHOULD be in the middle of the city.
My boyfriend SHOULD be more understanding.
The shuttle bus driver SHOULD smile more.
Ya da ya da ya da…

The thing is: NOBODY HAS ANY RESPONSIBILITY OF MY HAPPINESS! I am freaking 28 years old. I DON’T NEED people to change their behavior to suit me. Being a grown up is not a matter of intelligence because nothing is fair when dealing with reality [and maturity.]

Sometimes, there are things you'd better keep to yourself, because when you talk it out, you’ll get too attached to it. AND the more I concentrate on the unsatisfying things, the more things get out of alignment from my wish.

I might not be satisfied with things but there’s a distinct difference between happy and satisfied, I supposed. When things not satisfy me, I can tell: “I’m not satisfy but the thing is, I already decided to be happy”. This way, UNSATISFACTION and HAPPINESS can coexist. Because unsatisfying things are what propelling me to improvements.

It is not easy to shut the mind, to not complain but I choose to be happy. And guess what? When I relax the bounds of my expectations, the world becomes a lot easier to sort out. Amen.

pic's borrowed from: alexvaranse.com

life

2010-03-10T01:11:00.000-08:00

begins at 28.
because the oblivious and careless self dies at 27

out here...

2010-01-26T06:42:00.000-08:00

the sky is full of dreams...but you just don't how to fly.

jaman berubah, dan musik?...

2010-01-08T02:42:00.000-08:00

The Beatles bermain musik pada awalnya bukan dengan maksud untuk mendominasi dunia. Jimmy Page tidak memetik gitarnya dengan niatan menjadi terkenal. Musik adalah panggilan. Para musisi handal itu tidak melakukan operasi plastik untuk terlihat menawan. Semua hanyalah tentang musik. Kesederhanaan itulah yang akhirnya membuat mereka dicintai banyak orang.

Yang menarik dari musisi jaman era classic rock adalah kejujuran mereka. Mereka bermain tanpa menghiraukan aturan, aliran musik ataupun memikirkan ketenaran, pokoknya bermusik, titik. Segalanya kemudian berubah setelah pertengahan 70an. Industri musik meledak, kemunculan MTV menjadi sebuah kebijakan baru dalam bermusik. Video kills the radio stars. Musik menjadi tentang image. Musisi yang pas-pasan tetapi memiliki modal menjadi selebriti, bisa menjadi “rockstar.”

Label-label musik berlomba-lomba menelurkan “dewa musik” yang tercipta dengan image yang menurut mereka akan sukses di pasaran. Semua menjadi tentang komersialisme, kesuksesan diukur dari angka penjualan album, semuanya diukur dengan materi, ketenaran yang artifisial. Masih ingat berapa lama kita harus menabung untuk membeli CD kesukaan kita?

Namun kini, segalanya mulai berbalik lagi. Paradoksnya adalah bahwa kini dunia menjadi maju dengan dengan inovasi digital dan kita mulai mencari kesederhanaan yang membuat kita jatuh cinta pada musik. Jika musisi di tahun 70-90 an tenar karena image mereka, gaya panggung, gaya hidup atau bahkan berapa banyak skandal hidup mereka, musisi jaman sekarang adalah “teman” kita.
Mereka ada di jaringan facebook kita, kita megikuti mereka di twitter, mendengarkan musik terbaru mereka di myspace, membaca keseharian mereka di blog dan berbagai media jaringan sosial lainnya.

Ini bukan tentang marketing, tetapi ini tentang menjadi musisi di abad ke 21. Di jaman di mana ramalan Andy Warhol telah terbukti: "Everybody will get famous in 15 minutes." Tapi 15 menit terlalu singkat. Kita ingin lebih dari itu.

Semuanya berawal dari hal yang sederhana. Kecintaan terhadap musik, kedekatan dan kemudahan. Tidak perlu membayar mahal untuk menikmati musik dari “teman” kita, karena mereka akan membagikan musiknya untuk kita download gratis ataupun kita beli di internet dengan harga murah.

Teknologi masa kini memberi kita keutuhan, segalanya mungkin, benarkah?

Pernah dengar Ovi Musik dari Nokia? Well, saya gak akan panjang lebar jelasin tentang Ovi Musik, karena jujur, saya bukan seorang yang paham gadget, HP saya pun masih Nokia biasa [walaupun sekarang saya sedang mengincar N97]. Jadi begini, singkatnya Ovi Musik adalah apa yang sering disebut freemium model, yang menawarkan layanan web basic atau basic downloadable digital product dengan gratis dan men-charge layanan premium atau advance dan special features. Free dan Premium. Dengan Ovi Musik, kita bisa free streaming, download musik gratis maupun beli, upload music, video atau foto. Segala data akan tersinkronisasi langsung dengan komputer ataupun handphone kita, mudah dan nyaman. Sebuah tempat di mana kita pecinta musik dan musisi sama-sama menemukan win-win solution.

Kita akan kembali ke basic. Kita tidak lagi memerlukan kemewahan, kita hanya perlu kemudahan, kesederhanaan. Musik akan dimulai dari sesuatu yang sederhana. Musik tidak lagi menjadi sesuatu yang mahal dan tidak terjangkau, tetapi kualitas akan membaik. Karena di saat sedikit uang yang terlibat, kita tahu musisi bukan lagi melakukannya untuk menjadi terkenal, tetapi untuk cinta.

Karena segalanya berawal dari musik dan berakhir dengan musik.

2009 is terribly awesome!

2009-12-22T01:58:00.000-08:00

There comes a time in life when we have to let go of all the pointless drama & the people who create it & start to surround ourselves with people who make us laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good.
after all..life is too short to be anything but happy…

what's in a name?

2009-12-20T23:31:00.000-08:00

irvine
irpin
ipin
ervin
erpin
erwin
elewin
ilewin
eleven
endorfin
alvin

and they are all me...MERRY XMAS EVERYONE!

Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.

2009-12-16T03:12:00.000-08:00

Portland - Sept 09

27: was a lucky number they said.

2009-12-01T04:10:00.000-08:00

Birthday will never be a celebration anymore for me since I took all the shackles and wrapped them all around my hands [meaning when I started to get my own money and let myself be equated with all those bills and expenses.]
Birthday will be more like a day when I get lost, trying to empty my head, my mind. And to this point, being born on new year, surely doesn’t help. My birthday will always be associated with celebration.

Birthday will come in couple weeks and these past weeks have been scandalous weeks for me, between me and myself and some cameos that screaming to my head that I was a lousy human being. Some things are definitely not going the way I think they should be, and it stroke me the fact that I have sold myself. I was born free and now, I am very expensive, but yeah…I’m not free, anymore.

There are people and things that always let me down or bother me and somehow, they came within the space of 2 weeks. And the way, I am, human dealing with it is to minimize the inputs of what I’ve heard, I’ve seen or tasted. A short-term memory lapse to forget and a quasi-forgiving ability. I hate when people pretend things never happened, speak of things in whispers, pass messages in riddles, preach on political correctness and put the mask on.

But well, does the world care? Not really. We do have to go on.

the sea of story

2009-11-12T04:27:00.000-08:00

The truth is that I was lucky. But somehow, luck has a way of running out without the slightest warning.

Lately, I feel so tired. I came back from my faraway trip with no proper time in between to express to my boyfriend of how much I missed him, of how much I wished he were there with me.

No proper time to enjoy my new apartment, yet all the moving in and moving out squeezed me to my last drop. And…we cannot consider it’s done yet. The working table hasn’t come, no time and money to spend to buy a new duvet cover or a new easel and the balcony furniture aren’t arranged in a proper position.

I’d been visiting hospital for 5 times in these 4 weeks. Met 4 different doctors, took millions pills, got x-ray’d, lost my budget for new easel, new duvet cover and new accessories for my little pleasure. Heaven knows how it’s getting better now.

No mood to draw all what I have in mind, to write what I’ve been thinking, to share the pictures I took on my last trip.

All I have now are my works, our busy daily lives, our quickie romances, and fast thinking problem solutions.

All I need now is a big smile in my face and a bigger one in my heart, stop wondering on these bunks and be nice to my boyfriend.

Oyeah…It is such a relief that writing still does help to make sense of myself. The lucky star will shine again, and dark cloud will stop hanging around.

i don't want to believe.

2009-11-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

“Have you ever been in "love"? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
"Love" takes hostages.

pic from ffffound

he's got the medicine

2009-10-17T06:18:00.000-07:00

to suit the mood she's in.

If the world's at large, why should I remain?

2009-10-07T00:34:00.000-07:00

Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well I'll float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The day's get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

there is one thing that is better than corruption.

2009-09-29T02:31:00.000-07:00

it's collaboration! :)

photos by : joko
words by : irvine

How will it start [again] if it never finishes?

2009-09-23T04:46:00.000-07:00

The second thing that really scares me of in traveling would be…ending it. That, after losing my passport, while I was traveling alone in a far away land with small amount of money left in my pocket.
Like most of exciting things in the world, my last trip was too running so fast that 15 days felt like a week. Where did my other week go? Although there were times when I felt that I missed home, travel-ending-blues still got me.

But luckily, I accidentally disorganized my trip and my family visits. So, after I came back from my trip, my family started their visits to my place.
The result is a hard goodbye and an exciting welcome home, although I didn’t get to cure my jetlag in a proper way, but its worth the time and tiredness.
So, moral of the story is…for you who wish to travel, you better make sure that there would be something interesting waiting for you back home. Believe me, it will help to take the blues away.

Here’re some ideas that you might consider:
1.Spare some money before you leave for the trip and spend that money as you come back. Nothing is better than get yourself a present.

2.Plan another big thing as you come back, say: joining a marathon with your friends or attending a music gig together.

3.Keep yourself busy with your traveling souvenirs, like: designing a postcard for your friends from your own traveling pictures or making a traveling scrap book, or photo albums.

And…what you should not do is…keep on comparing the places you visit with your hometown. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. So, let the memories of the vacation places stay beautiful by staying as memories.

After all, ending your vacations won’t be so bad when you have something awaits you at home :)

Ps: and that’s not including BACK TO WORK. Sorry to say, but there’s no cure for the suck-ness it brings! [aha!…unless you keep on thinking: I’m working my ass out for my next trip!]

being almost thirty is great when you're thirty something.

2009-08-26T02:54:00.000-07:00

and aging doesn't seem bad when you have someone to grow old with...

xoxo

the young at hearts

too bad...that our love story has to be ended...soon.

2009-08-03T00:18:00.000-07:00

I am going to sell this baby
anyone is interested?

reason behind: i am afraid of him letting me down again, i am not a delicate person and this baby is considered sensitive [in terms of VGA port that can get loosen up if i don't do delicate-handling]

If your ex wasn’t them, would you still be close friends?

2009-07-27T04:03:00.000-07:00

Na’ah…I don’t think so. Call me old-fashion or bitter, but logically, I don’t think we can be close friends with our exes. be friends, YES. Close friends, NO.

Ah, before you take me in the wrong way, it might be possible to stay close with your ex, if your ex was your VERY BEST friend, and your relationship was a total incident. In that case, yeah, I think you can probably always come back to best friends. From best friends to lovers to best friends is much more doable than from strangers to lovers to best friends.

Well, I know there are lots of depends on why people break up, but whatever it is, break up means break up. No matter how much laughter, tear and everything you’ve shared together, there will be time for you to take those moments and experiences, put them in a box, leave it alone and move on.

Of course it is possible to have a casual relationship with ex, calling for birthdays and inquiring about their family, but not close friends for sure.

In most cases of break up, there will be one bad person. Unless both of you are in the same position and can end the relationship with full of understanding and taking lightheartedly the fact that one person does not want the other person, well…it will always leave one monster.

And how do you think it feels for the deserted one listening to you talking, as if nothing ever happen between you guys? Sharing your happy moments as if they are themselves happy campers?

I’ve been in both positions of being a dumper and a deserted one.
I know that as a dumper I always want to feel less guilty by offering friendship, and it is comfortable to know that we’re still having our exes around, but come on, reverse the position, you’d know that you need time to be alone, be separated from the dumper and let time solve the broken heart.

And by the time the heart is healed, I think time also has stretched some distances in between that just can’t be bridged, so you of course can’t be that close anymore, yeah?
Calling your ex when you were lost, in the middle of nowhere? ah…come on, are you secretly wishing something will linger again or you don’t have enough friends or new lover to count on?

Let me tell you one thing about the ex who still wants to be your closest friends, it is either they don’t want to lose you and your love, they are not happy with what they are having now and want some pieces of you or even the whole of you back. Or they really are hoping you guys can be what you used to be: lovers.

Other wise, trust me, ask yourself, would you be able to remain close friend?
I would if my exes were either Johnny Depp or Christian Bale. Unfortunately they are not. They happened to be some people, I have put in the box while I am leading a happy life with my current boyfriend. Undoubtedly, I will not bother sending them postcards when I am traveling the way I used to when we were lovers. We’re not even close friends, why should I, yeah?

besame mucho

2009-07-20T23:27:00.000-07:00

means
kiss me many times

isn't it boring to learn Spanish from a love song?

do you like Sangria? Vaámonos! vamos a em borrachar esta noche!

means: Let's go! let's all get drunk tonight!

¿Qué vamos a tomar?
What are we going to drink?

¿Te atreves?
Are you game?

La jarra está vacía.
The pitcher is empty

and...when you're drunk, you might need these words, ja ja ja:

Cabron = bastard
Chingas tu madre = f*ck your mom
culero = asshole
Mierda = shit
te mato = I'll kill you
vete al carajo = go to hell
Déjese de cuentos = cut the crap
Maldito/Maldición = Damn.

Gracias por escuchar, sólo necesitaba desahogarme y sacar eso!
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent and get that out!

¡Hasta luego!
see you in Spain!

*pic from ffffound

Nang Mai/Nymph

2009-07-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

When my boyfriend told me that Pan-Ek Ratanaruang made a new horror movie, I was so excited. Why?

Firstly, it’s Pan-Ek’s.
If I can analogize a movie as a full language where each cutting scene is the grammar used to make a point and show a reaction or emphasize emotions, then Pan-Ek knows exactly how to rework the grammar into a poem. From two of all Pan-Ek’s movies [Last Life in The Universe and Ploy –with no proper English subtitle] I sense that Pan-Ek is the person who likes to torture his audiences with his fragments, unexplainable interpretation that leave thousand of questions and a deep sigh.

Secondly, horror movie always fascinates me. Some people always question: why bother paying to get frightened? Despite from the stupidity of getting a priced fear, I think making a real horror movie is a difficult task. Horror movies are designed to elicit fright, fear, terror, disgust or horror from viewers. In horror film plots, evil forces, events, or characters, sometimes of supernatural origin, intrude into the everyday world.
To keep audiences stayed and entertained while they are intruded is never been an easy job, I believe. and of course, avoiding the horror flicks' cliche.

So, up we went to see the movie in one of the expensive theatre [plus we bought the expensive coke too!], things we hardly do, but two reasons above are worth the money.

The forest.
Movie is started with a floating camera movement, we are intensely forced to get face to face with the mother nature we might’ve never seen before, where all the plants and the trees have the magical power.
The intrigue is appeared when we see a young woman is raped. Her scream fades in the silence of the forest. In the burbling stream of the river, Pan-Ek delivers us the forest warning, that if they wanted to, they could reject or even swallow you up whole, like the floated dead bodies of the assaulters.

Nop and Mai.
Nop is an eccentric photographer who’s got a job to take pictures of the forests. Nop somehow sees a picture of a tree in the forest with a message “don’t let the forest seduce you”. The puzzle is thrown.
Mai, Nop’s wife, is a typical beautiful urban woman who has an affair with Korn, her boss.
Both of them are going to the forest. On the way, Mai is being a busy bee, cannot get detached from her phone [somehow my boyfriend, who is Thai said, Pan-Ek is trying to criticize the modern life, from the lyric of the music that is played in the car. Something about how modern life has changed people’s life].

The hotel affair.
May is out from the room, leaving Nop sleeping alone, to secretly talk on phone with Korn. When she comes back, the door is locked, she knocks and the door is opened with Nop, weirdly is still sleeping. Mai feels a bit of anxiety, either from her reticent affair or her guilt’s apparition. She takes her sleeping pills before sleeps.

In the forest.
Mai is still busy with her phone, talking to Korn, leaving Nop alone to explore the forest. Nop gets himself absorbed by the forest, and is somehow hypnotized by one tree. He caresses the tree and slowly penetrates his head to its crevice. The day is settling down and Mai starts to worry about Nop, she finds him in the forests, and gets shock to see Nop and the tree.
As night crawls in, the intruder Pan-Ek tries to infiltrate is growing. Something is wrong with Nop. In their tent, Mai is taking her pills again, when Nop is trying to get intimate, Mai is coldly rejecting him. At down, Nang Mai seduces Nop, taking him with her.

Nang Mai.
Mai wakes up in the morning finding Nop is missing, when she calls his phone, she can only hear a deep breath. Mai asks help from the forest rangers who end up give her an amulet necklace. Mai decides to stay in forest and finds Nop, she explores the forests, finds one of Nop’s sandals. Then she gets fainted and Nang Mai is dragging her back to front of her tent.

Come back home.
Desprately, Mai comes back to town with her boss, who lies to his wife to stay with Mai. Mai feels sorry for Nop, it’s either for Nop’s disappearance or her affair. The horror is getting intense: how can a life disappear even while it is in the midst of it? Is Nop really gone?
But somehow Nop is back, more earthly, Mai finds herself relieved.

The secret of the forest.
Meanwhile the forest ranger is calling Mai about their finding. Shown in a simple fragment, a forest scavenger finds a dead body, which to him is not more than a dead animal. Apparently death is something common in the forest. Like finding a treasure, he takes the corpse’s possession. The living lives from the dead.

Disclosure.
Mai is glad but somehow, everything has changed and so has their 10 years old marriage. Both of them are aware of it, now is just a matter of who and when to divulge it. It seems like peeling off a plaster from a long-healed wound’s covered so long it dissolves with time. Leaving only the scar and unbearable frustration that cannot be articulated.

Step back.
Mai and her boss are apparently having a plan to leave each other’s spouse and get together. It isn’t easy on her boss’ wife. Love is something hard to fix once it’s broken, even though Mai bails on her affair, she finds Nop is missing again. Korn feels unsatisfied, decides to go back to the forests with Mai.

Condemn, guilt and innocence.
In the forest, Nop is making out with Nang Mai. Mai is disturbed to find Nop’s phone again answered with the deep breath. She storms out to the forests, calling for Nop with no results. When she founds the tree, she condemns her anger to the tree, she axes it with no mercy until she faints.

In the silence of the forest, inbetween dreams and reality, Nang Mai is covered by either latex or blood. Nop is taking Mai back to the tent, where Korn is asleep. He wakes up and shocked to see Mai is full of sort of red liquid, he perceives as blood. Korn and Nop are involved in a conversation that is more like the end of the trip that had no destination.

In this movie, you can forget the time frame, that I belive Pan-Ek has intended to neglect. Pan-Ek puts no cold fact in these fragments, and let us enjoy the moment when reality and imagination are vague.
They are piled up on top of each other, interlaced us a beautiful long braid that leaves lots of room for our own interpretation. How much of a comfort.

When Nop says: “What did she do to you both, why you hurt her?” Who is her? Nang Mai? Or Mai? Or Korn’s wife? These three “her” has fell victim to the conditions Pan-Ek suggests.
And as for both of the two men, Pan-Ek also mercilessly puts them in a two parallel universe where their mistakes are beyond comprehension.

If you may ask me what I catch from this long review, I’d say…the whole movie is like a phantom hour in these three main characters’ lives, trying to examine the past and probably hope to change the things they’ve done…but unfortunately, life never goes reverse…and it has no mercy, no matter how much you beg. Such a weary journey, isn’t it? I’ve told you, no? it’s Pan-ek after all…:)

"Nangmai" is rated R
Directed by Pan-ek Ratanaruang
Written by Pan-ek Ratanaruang
109 minutes

would you dare to confront death, gently?

2009-07-06T02:16:00.000-07:00

Have any of you experience the death of your closest people?

I have and I understand why some parts in the movie Departures are taking things seriously but also inspire a certain sense of humor. It perhaps is to mask our fear and our sadness.

The film is opened by a calm and tender performance of Daigo in an “encoffinment” preparation ceremony of a beautiful young woman before her cremation.
And slowly the story is flipped, about how the fate brings Daigo, a failed cellist player in Tokyo who has to moved back to his hometown, lives with his supportive wife, Mika, in the house inherits from his mom. Daigo is jobless when he finds a job ad describes about good money, flexible working hours and something about departures. His and his wife idea about the job is something to do with travels.
It is. But in a slightly different way. It is a traveling to another life.

The company serves clients making their final trip. The owner of the company is previously working alone, he cleans and prepares bodies and painstakingly makes them up to look their best.
It is a tough job for a man like Daigo, who never experiences any death before. He thinks he owes death because he is not there when his mom dies. The hardest part is when he cannot unload his troubles after a difficult day dealing with the death and the grief of the people left by the dead. His only escapement is his cello.

His music is subtly expressing his solace of his sorrow, from the abandonment of his father, the unattended death of his mother to his frustration being a failed cellist and now cannot share his new found art/working experience with the woman he loves.

Death is for the living and not for the dead. Departure is pretty much talking about the life, after the dead. Sometimes it comes with humor but not in the sense of breaking the mood. It is just the way sometimes we take dead humorously but doesn’t mean it is a comedy. Departures is like an observation that a life has been left for the contemplation of the survivors.

As the owner tells about his wife death: I knew one of us would leave first, but it was hard to be the left one.
It is not easy to deal with death, but isn’t it part of life that we have to do somehow, someway, someday? Like traveling to a far, far away land. So I hope, we can learn to wave goodbye in a big smile to our beloved ones on their departures.

"Departures" is rated PG-13
Directed by Yojiro Takita
Written by Kundo Koyama
130 minutes

Kutunggu jandamu di tepi jalan itu...

2009-06-29T05:27:00.000-07:00

From even the most ordinary, common daily things, there's always something we can learn.

in the phonebooth, we lost track when words were said.

taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time.

living on the wheel cart full of sweets.

the idea of waiting for something makes it more interesting

chance encounters are what keep us going.

sometimes we have to make peace with the big thing.

you can see a person's life by the cart he has.

look up at the sky, wondering if I'll catch a glimpse of kindness there.

i am home as time solves most things.

to wira
as i promised him to fulfill his wish = taking 10 pictures on the way from office to home
Friday, june 26 09

there're some days even my used lacy undies won't help

2009-06-26T00:06:00.000-07:00

To live your dream is heaven! But the thing is…what if your dream costs you 42.000 USD?

As I grow up, I realize that…dream is a dream but it’s just too bad that my family was not bearing any Hilton name. So, what’s left here is the ability to keep the dream alive by working hard.

My question is how hard should I go to get 42.000USD? Without getting bank loan or selling my used undies to Japan [which by the way, wont guarantee the money too!]
Some people I know, will tell me to realize my dream by getting bank loan…that will grant me the money I want and will take me 10 – 20 years to pay. What a scheme, I scream.

What if I died on the 3rd year? Or…what if I was badly injured, paralyzed and couldn’t pay my loan?
Don’t mean to play the paranoid, but let me explain, I like the idea of endless saving time, but I don’t like the idea of endless paying debt.

Do you see the difference here?
By saving it’s called commitment [which is pleaded by heart and morality]
By paying bank loan it’s called obligation [which is bind by law].
Both require responsibilities.
But I’d rather do it by my heart than having a piece of paper with thousand of fine prints and complicated law languages.

So…do you by the way know any better way than selling my undies in Japan or lottery? I’d be pleased to hear!

pic borrowed from craig wards

favorite things #1

2009-06-25T07:06:00.000-07:00

don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like mine?

2009-06-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

don't cha?

so proud of you dearie boyfriend!

ranking is rated by Campaign Brief.

...

2009-06-24T03:58:00.001-07:00

what a shame...

typo design belongs to jim datz

pick your favorite, my dears!

2009-06-17T01:37:00.000-07:00

imagine a bag of crunchy chips

what would you crave [revised version]
1. Tasmanian Buttered Salmon Grill
3. Tomato Spicy Chicken
4. Lemongrass Fried Clams

thanks for picking dears!

xoxo

Let the right one [slip] in

2009-06-15T04:11:00.000-07:00

I finally watched “Let the Right One In” the Swedish –so called- horror movie. Since I saw the trailer for the first time, around a year ago, I believed that this movie would be as promising as the trailer. And I don’t think I am wrong.

Even though vampire seems to be a hot theme for movies now [thanks to Hollywood’s Twilight], I don’t think LTROI is categorized as a vampire flick. Take out the vampire story and voila, you can feel the coldness of Swedish snow frozen rural area, Oskar’s loneliness and Eli’s grief. This is a love story that will make you care for these two poor things in love, more than they can care about themselves.
I can never stop to envy Swedish people for their uniqueness: their fairly pale skins, total silverish blond, blueish crystal clear eyes and…their ability to make everything seems just enough and right. Like the enveloping snow, wintery light and remarkable stillness that Hoyte van Hoytema’s meticulously captured. The depth of each scene is so deeply craved into our heart…makes you understand, how lonely Oskar and Eli are.

Oskar is 12, a son of divorced parents, a bullied kid, strange and lonely. He lives in an apartment with his mom, where he can go nowhere but plays in the snow-covered playground. When his friends push him to the corner, he can do nothing, but… deep down he is the kind who will kill, if he can.

Eli is not a girl, she is a human blood drinker, vampire you may say. She will get paler and smells weird if she hasn’t drunk any blood. The kind you will stay away from.

But upon his loneliness it is better for Oscar to have Eli, who understands him for who he is. Eli accidentally sees Oscar on his attempt to take his revenge on his classmates [to a tree]. Eli knows rightly that Oskar is in the same path with her.

As i said earlier, without the vampire element, this movie will still be dark telling how these two kids are washed up on the shores of despair...
But with the vampire element, it is an utter grim. With all the blood, vampire bites and vampire lines like "Are you really my age?" Oskar asks Eli. "Yes. But I've been this age for a very long time" or with the new knowledge that vampire needs to be invited before they come in.

I can tell you, this is a serious vampire movie, it's either you love it or you hate it.
or quoting my boyfriend: "isn't it Twilight with the Europe touch?"
which by Europe touch i believe he means: beautiful to gaze at, achingly romantic, emotionally involving and unexpectedly terrifying.

“Let the Right One In” is rated R
Directed by Tomas Alfredson
written [in Swedish, with English subtitles] by John Ajvide Lindqvist, based on his novel of the same name [taken from Morrisey's song -> Let the Right One Slip in]
director of photography, Hoyte van Hoytema

june eighth two thousand nine

2009-06-08T06:10:00.000-07:00

up in clouds, colorful and lovely.

wishing you a happy two months, love

xoxo

pic from: umm...i forget, but i borrowed it from someone's blog for sure. credits for the photographer, whoever that beautiful soul is.

Vatican City, Illuminated

2009-05-30T22:44:00.000-07:00

The most beloved and progressive Pope is dead. A canister of “anti-meter” is stolen from the CERN laboratory in Switzerland. A threatening note from Illuminati to blow up Vatican City is sent along with the [murderous] kidnapping of four Cardinals.
Those are enough as start up for making Angels and Demons a ticking-clock thriller with the background of the hidden long war between the Catholic Church and Illuminati, the religion and the science.

So, if you are all coming to see this movie in the sense of getting entertained, I can say, Angels and Demons, is a promise that make your wish come true. In a breakneck speed and fabulous production values, Ron Howard stuns you with his unbelievable set up of Sistine Chapel, the Pantheon, Roman Churches, Tombs, Crypts and off course, the drama.

But if you are just like me, a reader with a bigger hope to see a better movie than its predecessor: Da Vinci Code, all I can say, there is no time to care about what you’ve known or hoped for. This movie requires a big forgiveness.

Pope election is always a big deal. Thousand hundreds eyes and faith are gathered together in Saint Peter’s square to witness the white puff blows out from the Sistine Chapel stating who is the successor of the late Pope. Here is when Illuminati plans to blow their revenge kiss towards the Catholic Church.
How?
Well, I don’t want to spoil anything, but everything is revealed on the very beginning. The scene of CERN laboratory, Geneva and the appearances of beautiful and brilliant Vittoria Vetra as Langdon’s sidekick to: 1. Explain why Illuminati are stealing the “anti-meter.” 2. To seek for her father’s secret journal. 3. To provide Langdon the clues and you know…being an urgent partner of Langdon on his 4 hours quest to safe the kidnapped Cardinals and Vatican City.

And when it comes to Illuminati trouble, well, Professor Robert Langdon is to the rescue. Racing against time on his Mickey Mouse watch, asides from his brilliance and great help from Vittoria, God is on Langdon’s side this time, I believe. With no much hassle and great uncanny luck, he spots and correctly identifies every clue no matter how well hidden they are.

Meanwhile, the intrigue is also happening within the church itself, involving the young Camerlengo who also is the adopted son of the Pontiff, the Commander as the protector of the Pope and Cardinal Strauss who is in charge of the Pope election.

This movie portrays a balancing conflict between science and religions without taking side on none. Langdon is not a religious man and the church is not either an anti-science. As Langdon says: the existence of God is beyond his mind to determine and his heart is not worthy.

I don’t know how to call it, whether it's better or worse or even, compared to the previous movie, but all I can say is, this time less controversy, less Dan Brown, more entertainment to the eyes [including Hank’s more convincing hairdo ☺.]

Once you go tech, you can never go back.

2009-05-07T03:24:00.000-07:00

Lately, I fly quite often and…unless it’s a business trip, I will only fly on the cheapest airlines. With no ala carte tivos and movies, no Nintendo nor a comfy seat that will give me an instant lullaby.

So, I am now prepared to entertain myself. With an iPod video, full-blast headphones, books, neck and shoulder pillows, eyemask and…one thing I always want but haven’t gotten it, yet…is a PSP!

I’ve been wanting PSP since like forever. Now added with the flying reason, the urge is getting urgent. So, when I’ve got some spare money…I instantly think about PSP!

Then, I start to spark this idea to my boyfriend. To my surprise, he said: I should’ve bought an iPhone instead of a PSP.

Why? Because he thinks
1. I’m one of those –cant live without being online on net- babe…
2. I always listen to music
3. I like games
4. I cant live without my handphone.
5. I like to take picture

To all bestfriends out there, can you pick where he thought wrong?

Well…dearie boyfriend, I know you were joking, teasing me around for being that guilty –always online- babe.
But…here're my reasons why I don’t need an iPhone: [I defense orderly to whatever pleaded above]
1. I’ve got my laptop
2. I’ve got my iPod video
3. I WANT PSP!
4. I actually can’t live without being in touch of people I LOVE! And that includes you now dearie boyfriend! Whatever the handphone is, will do for me. [as long as it still be an eyecandy to me.]
5. Hello! I have my –yeah everyone will want one- G10, holga and Polaroid! And I am not a professional photographer for picture’s sake!
And…in additional to all those defenses…I am not a gadget person, that is for sure.

instead of getting understand...my boyfriend told me: "nah! now you see...you can have all what you have in one iPhone! it's easy!"

ahhh...i know you are so right darling, that my life will be oh so easy with one iPhone in my hand, all entertainments and all connections in one touch. But...that's what I'm affraid of also...i can't really rely myself to one thing. one perfect thing.
because...i don't want to turn things that i own to be the owner of myself.
I can't give one thing too much authority to please myself. One benefit one time, is enough for me.

on why it's you not others.

2009-04-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

because i find a reliance that someone will love me unconditionally three hundred and sixty-five days a year in you.
it breaks all my fears and gives my heart a breath to live again.

it never gets old, huh?

2009-04-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

Yep! it's kinda make you wanna break into song ?

yep!

I love the mountains
I love the clear blue skies
I love big bridges
I love when great whale flies
I love the whole world
And all its sights and sounds

Boom De Yada
Boom De Yada
Boom De Yada
Boom De Yada

I love the ocean
I love real dirty things
I love to go fast
I love Egyptian kings
I love the whole world
and all its craziness

Boom De Yada
Boom De Yada
Boom De Yada
Boom De Yada

I love tornadoes
I love arachnids
I love hot magma
I love the giant squids
I love the whole world
It's such a brilliant place

Boom De Yada
Boom De Yada
Boom De Yada
Boom De Yada

where the wild things are?

2009-03-30T04:29:00.000-07:00

Follow the star when you see one of them is falling.
Open the green wooden gate you’ve never seen before, say “please” as you touch it.
Go through, walk down the path underneath the dark blue sky.
Cross the green high savannah grass; don’t sleep on it you will never wake up.
Walk through the tunnel. Take nothing. Eat nothing.
However, if any creature tells you that it hungers, feed it.
If it tells you that it is dirty, clean it.
If it cries to you that it hurts, if you can, ease its pain.
From the end of the tunnel you see a dark jungle.
If you turn around here, you can walk back, safely; you will lose no face.
In one huge step you will be in the wood.
The trees are old.
On the branch of an entwined sycamore tree sits an owl.
He might ask for something, give it to him. He will lead you a way to a mansion.
Owned by two beautiful brothers. Do not trust the one with the sweets. Walk on.
In the clearing beyond the seven sisters sit before the bonfire.
Braiding each other’s long red hair.
They may do favors for you, if you are praising their beauty.
You may get 7 gorgeous necklaces.
Trust the wolves, but do not tell them where you are going.
The river can be crossed with a sea turtle that comes out if you whistle politely.
If an eagle gives you a feather, keep it safe.
Remember: hearts can be well-hidden and you betray them with your tongue.
Remember your name.
Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found.
Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn.
Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story.
When you come back, return the way you came.
Favors will be returned, debts will be repaid.
Do not look back.
Ride the wise eagle (you shall not fall).
Ride the silver fish (you will not drown).
Ride the grey wolf (hold tightly to his fur).
When you reach the little house behind the place your journey started,
you will recognize it, although it will seem much smaller than you remember.
Walk up the path, and through the garden gate you never saw before but once.
And then go home. Or make a home.
And rest.

i stole Gaiman's, i chopped it and i just want to see the little house and rest.

pic by jokski with his super cool 4 eyes damn heavy Polaroid.

please be still, let her capture you.

2009-03-12T03:28:00.001-07:00

i put a collage with joko's mesmerizing pic for hair and typo.
how do you like it dears?

Come out, come out wherever you’re, here’s some Milk for you.

2009-03-02T08:55:00.000-08:00

Have you seen Milk? I have and Sean Penn amazes me than he ever did. Penn totally moved me. He doesn’t create perfect Harvey Milk and he doesn’t need to. He plays him from the heart and awakes the soul of Harvey Milk, his kindness, his humor, his love, his passion and his dream for a better world, for every people, regardless whom they are. With every meticulous effort to bring every detail alive, Penn is totally inciting the pretty Harvey Milk you’d fall in love with.

Setting up in San Francisco 1977, Milk is the engaging story about Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected for San Francisco slash The United States Supervisor. Milk was just a man in his fortieth birthday when he “accidentally” fell in love with Scott Smith in New York Subway. Questioning what he had done for his 40 years on his birthday, he then decided to run away and did something big before he reached 50, which he believed he wouldn't reach. In the shadow of Castro Theatre in San Francisco, he opened his camera shop, which then became the most formidable gay community base in town. There he witnessed that even in the most open gay community, persecution toward gay still happened.

Milk was the man with rare energy and vibes. He was a man of action, of words, a man with the powerful ability to rally people for a cause, and not only gay people. He firstly fought for gay rights ordinance then forged an alliance including liberals, unions, longshoremen, teachers, Latinos, blacks and others with common cause.
It takes two geniuses as in Gus Van Sant’s direction and Lance Black’s screenplay to successfully bring out these compelling character and vibrating movement that now has heeded.

The photography and film cuts are just fabulous, they come off great in transferring us to the 70’s. The combination of actual footage is emotionally devastating and so remarkable. In additional to its perfection is, Lance non-conventionally success attempt to put Milk in the way of a hero rises from zero hippie to national symbol rather than just another main character. And fascinatingly interlaces it with his romantic odyssey.

The whole movie impeccably tells Harvey Milk’s transformed life and the victory of minorities’ freedom comes as the result of one brave man’s decisions in life. Another proof that the real manly-ness isn’t what is visible.

On pic is Harvey Milk poses in front of his camera shop in San Francisco in 1977
source: TIME

Girls of Summer

2009-03-01T08:07:00.000-08:00

sketches part.1
i am learning to draw and paint. hope soon i can elaborate my sketches.

It was 1,5 years late but...i'm just a lazy ass

2009-02-24T08:56:00.001-08:00

One of the things I’m grateful for growing up in 90’s is the opportunity to relate at least one of The Cure’s songs to my melancholy teenage years. It was like only them could understand your loneliness and looney-ness with their lyrics that encapsulated the frustrations of fervid teenage mind.
I believe that kind of feeling is also related to more than 3 million Cureheads in Indonesia, as you could see On August 1, 2007, wherever you turned your head all over Soekarno Hatta Airport you found your friends, your friends’ friends and anyone you may know with dress so fancy and face so happy.

We've been dying to see our so-called post-punk saviors in Singapore after more than 10 years of waits in despair.

The Cure is an English rock band formed in Crawley, West Sussex in 1976. The band has experienced several lineup changes, with front man, vocalist, guitarist and principal songwriter Robert Smith being the only constant member. They have been a hugely influential cult band and Smith is the father of gothic with his smudge lipstick and gravity-defying hair. Their unforgettable post-punk melodies and lyrics have plagued the world in euphoria. Since their first breakout, The Cure has released 12 studio albums, several compilations, various EPs and singles, remixes and rarities.

For this tour, Smith stripped their line-up down to a guitar-driven configuration, featuring long-time transient members Simon Gallup (bass), Porl Thompson (guitars) and Jason Cooper (drums). Keyboards were replaced by minimal sequencing and guitar arrangements, masterfully executed by Smith and Thompson.
The fact that they were having tours without new album was never a matter as promised by Smith:
“It's the first tour we're doing without a new record... We'll be playing songs from every album, covering every style we've done over the years... (The concert) will look and sound like nothing you've ever seen before, I guarantee you that!”
This was probably the best thing going to happen to Singapore in 2007. And it was.

Kallang Indoor Stadium was the tacit witness. Around 5 pm, Kallang MRT Station had packed with some people either listening to The Cure tunes or laughing in glee with The Cure attribute on their bodies. Around 6 pm, the Stadium’s park was so full, all the merchandises were almost sold out and lots of people dressed in black and t-shirts with famous album or Robert Smith’s bedraggled hair silhouette. All were standing juxtaposed with some locals in their white collar’s attire.

By 7.30 pm the gate was opened. People were rushing, but to my surprise, the freestanding area was quite spacious and people were still standing, talking and looked so normal, I mean, “aren’t we in The Cure’s gig? Where is the verve?” That moment, I just realized…Singapore was oh so strained for a “sombre” like The Cure. But well, there was always a silver lining over any dark clouds, and it was the freedom to get into the frontest line without any significant jostles. Yes, the frontline was packed with us, Indonesians.

The show started right on time in the bewitching light of blue and green light and Open was such an aptly opening. The band took the stadium stage in full regalia, black apparel, clumpy boots and shiny silver. Robert Smith, 48 years old, disturbingly gripping with his ragged hair, smearing lipstick, pale white face and dark eyes, he was totally a haunting scene. There were times he jumped like an enthusiastic teenager and times when he stood still, staring raptly at his admirers, then throw a shy and reserved smile that you would never forget.

The show was started by the monodies like I can’t take it anymore/ This it I’ve become/ This is it like I get/ When my life’s going numb.

The band then launched into a raw version of Fascination Street. This was followed by Strange Day, which trawled the depths of despair: Give me your eyes/ That I might see/ The blind man kissing my hands, before they broke the surface, shook off water to the flamenco pulse of The Blood, plunged the stadium deep into A Night Like This and rode the crest to The End of the World.

The whole performance was just perfect, despite the despairing local audiences [they hardly danced or moved their head at least, oh no…] It seemed like Cooper, Thompson and Gallup successfully carried through Smith’s promise. The guitar works and riffs from Smith and Thompson were unsurpassable with the steady rhythmic from Cooper and Gallop. The stark stage might look too simple, but the perfect light, sound system and off course the mesmeric performance were more than enough to overwhelm every audience.
More than 7000 people in Kallang Indoor Stadium will never forget Smith’s wavering vocals howled in that night.

The mind blowing One Hundred Years was another proof that their darkly years have never really gone out from the heart of every reserved souls whom tonight were released in joys singing Love Song, Just Like Heaven and off course, the prominent Friday I’m in Love [which in my opinion is also the favorite of Singapore MTV genres, they finally danced and sang!].

The gig ended the main set and started again with End and another traits of dominant, melodic bass lines, whiny, strangulated vocals and a lyric obsession with existential, almost literary despair like Where Every Wish Has Come True and Is Everything I do. After a short break, they returned for their first encore, Smith shed the guitar to Delirium and Faerie. To our surprise, Thompson performed an unexpected solo of Close to Me.
And finally the last encore, they played their post-punk debut: Three Imaginary Boys and climaxed it with Killing an Arab.

38 songs were never like an enough as Smith also felt loathed to leave his fans with their thundering ovations. He kept on smiling and thanking the audiences before he finally went out and left darkness on the stage.
3 hours 10 minutes, our feet were aching, sweat drenched our bodies but gleaming eyes and big smiles were everywhere. We'd been cured!

the object of affection

2009-02-05T06:38:00.000-08:00

hello

my name is Parkchanwook [yes, after that great director :)] but you can call me noinoi because i am so small.

i like carrot, carrot and carrot.
i dont like strawberry, tomato, water apple or rabbit pellets, eughh...*it's expensive, it's even more expensive than my momma's food but yuks!!*

i talk a lot, when i talk i sniff my nose

i am good at potty training and bunny jumping.

i like playing with you.

i am about 2 months old.

nice to meet you, aunties and uncles!

oh, my momma found me in Ratchada, in a dark second-hand market. She fell in love with me in a glance, yes, i am that cute, ya? *sniff sniff*

bunnykiss,

noinoi

kitsune lover

2009-02-02T09:10:00.000-08:00

after being ignored for a month, last Saturday i worked on this drawing again and today i executed what i had in mind for this kitsune lover. How do you like it, dears?

about kitsune:
Kitsune is an animal supposed to be mysterious, fascinating, and mischevious. And he is believed to be very grateful for the kindness done to him, as seen in many tales, and is also affectionate as revealed in some dramas. He is enshrined as a god because of his supernatural power. He is endowed with the subtle art of metamorphosis, and he is able to bewitch men in the guise of a charming girl. An exceedingly interesting and entertaining beast Kitsune is.

i like it better than stinky cheese.

2009-01-19T08:49:00.000-08:00

"The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don`t want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future." -Audrey Hepburn

to whom it may concern, well...dearly dears...here i am, tooth-braced. *please forgive the narcissism, am just trying to look, well..presentable.

on the thing i think #1

2009-01-19T07:59:00.000-08:00

Do you still remember how the first time feels like? When the butterfly in the stomach flaps its wing so fast you felt the unrestrained sensation? Getting started is always giving me such a thrill. It’s like knowing that something has ignited a new hope, a new beginning of a tunnel we never really knows what’s happening along the way and where it ends.

And you will be so careful and yet on the other hand you let the blurry lines between the augury and the reality lead you along the way. And you will also be oh so honest, so easy to yourself and let anything amaze you.

Then we go further, we see deeper, we know better. We start to get used to things. We blend the whole thing with ourselves. We forget and we lost. Over time, that’s what happens, we take things for granted, yeah?….

*scene from Cafe Demoo, Bangkok, Saturday 170109

Such an interesting encounter

2009-01-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

“The reality of things is not something you convey to people but something you make. It is this that gives birth to meaning.” –The Elephant Vanishes, Haruki Murakami-

The quote is perfectly picturing what I have in mind about the guy who made this t-shirt. His name is Eko, also known as ekohokeh, he was my junior in college, part graphic designer, part artist, part thinker, part businessman [maybe ☺].

I wasn’t really close to him except from some of our similarity in mind about couples of principal ideas on life, culture, art and design. He is to my opinion is a very critical young man, the rare creatures amongst the –look at me- generation. He’s not that fancy, even though he is much less of the famous kind in the society.

Not really much I can say about him, but his attitude toward his passion is really compelling and finding his piece of work in a famous design store in Bangkok gave me such a rush of pride – I was impulsively opened the package and took a picture of the t-shirt and me, only devil might care about the no picture warning- He made it here! Not that he’s the first of Indonesian whose work’s being recognized all over the world, but I just happened to know his early process and it’s great to know that your friend is just doing well in the field he loves. I am just a proud friend.

As far as I remember, in Indonesia, being indie means being indie. You wont get much help, unless you really are SUPER LUCKY talented. Noticing the art and design scenes in Singapore, I envy them to the last drop of my blood. It’s not that I say they are not great, but in terms of opportunity, they do have thousand more lucks than Indonesians. The easiness of getting everything, the notice taken of the talented ones, the well-organized structure, and oh don’t make me start with the luxury of time they have. If the scene is so cultivated and the talented are so risen…it’s not a surprise, no? I know they do have efforts too…but still…I do wish that the talented ones in Indonesia had at least half of their luck.

But isn’t it what finally makes the effort look so beautiful? A dense struggle that stimulates your consciousness, keeps you alert and alive.

*pic was taken in Propaganda Design Store, Emporium Bangkok.

not much of an ode for 2009.

2009-01-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

Bye bye, dearie old good 2008 and the 26th me, thank you for bearing with me to overcome all the dangers and the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious !
Well, as 2009 has taken the plug, am trying to avoid all the clichés of those new year resolutions which I found is really not my thing after not being able to keep them for more than 2 weeks, EVERY SINGLE PAST YEARS. So, to make it sound less déjà vu and still not being a lousy new-yearer, I prefer the word: CHANGE.

“But I will start it slowly, so I see more direction than speeding up. I will take a whole afternoon to stroll freely, listening to the lives of it. I will do more things with my left hand, from brushing my teeth, combing the hair, open the door to sweeping the floor. I will learn a new word a day. I will sleep until later and go to bed earlier. I will eat a little less and a little more. I will learn more language *even though as far now, all I’ve got is –how to swear in 10 different language-. I will stop complaining about my PMS or let it turn me to PMS-zilla. I will be more serious, ahahaha…and be more committed. I will not laugh when other people trip –err…no I change my mind, I will keep on laughing in a different way-. I will go and visit other places. I will try make up I never wear. I will reply to SMS as soon as I got it. I will try new things. I will change again.”

The other good gigs, I will keep it. Cheers 2009!

*photo's taken from Soi Cowboy, Sukhumvit Bangkok, 010109 3.40am

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2008-12-24T09:36:00.000-08:00

Toxic Girl

2008-12-19T06:48:00.000-08:00

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the memo as well as the person you got the memo from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
“Let It Be” – Nick Cave

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“Bullet with Butterfly Wings” – Smashing Pumpkins

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Mommy Little Monster” – Social Distortion

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Above You” – The Whitest Boy Alive

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Sunday Sunday” – Blur

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” – Eddie Vadder

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Lives” – Modest Mouse

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Coming Into Land” – Badly Drawn Boy

WHAT IS 2+2?
“Enjoy The Silence [Reinterpreted]” – Depeche Mode

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Good People” – Jack Johnson

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Summer Time” – Keiko Lee

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Dreaming” – Smashing Pumpkins

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Maybe You Can Owe Me” – Architecture in Helsinki

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Automatic Husband” – The Fiery Furnaces

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Yes” – Coldplay [out of this loneliness I will play this sign game, oh pretty darling]

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Obstacle 1” – Interpol [the way you put the weights into my little heart?]

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"La Puerta” – Laura Fygi

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Cheers Darlin’” – Damien Rice

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Don’t be Afraid, You Have Just Got Your Eyes Closed” - Mum

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Dishes” – Pulp

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Real Love” – John Lennon

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Mint Car” – The Cure

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
“The Other Way” - Weezer

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Peace Train” – 10,000 Maniacs

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"No Love Lost” – Joy Division [oh, please turn it on…]

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Teenage Lobotomy” – Ramones [hahaha…]

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Myxomatosis [Judge, Jury & Executioner]” – Radiohead

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"Hunted by A Freak” – Mogwai

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"I Wish You’d Stay” – Club 8

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Toxic Girl” – King of Convenience

blahblahblah...this is what happen on a very gloomy and cold day in Bangkok...

*pic's borrowed from: www.atmostheory.com

After all the joys and the headache, let's say: cheers!

2008-12-14T10:56:00.000-08:00

this is the amateur attempt of mine to polaroized my best friend's Hilda's wedding to Cun-the husband- as my make-up gesture for forgetting their wedding present

*equipment: Canon G10

Oh, hai bitch!

2008-12-05T23:34:00.000-08:00

For people who know me for more than 24 hours [be it calculated or spending literally 24 hour continuously together] I can state proudly that I am a nice person.

No kidding, no self-arrogance, nothing. I am just as nice as you can expect me to be. Why? It’s simply because I am nowhere to not being fine. No shitstorm can potentially take me to suicidal, because me and madness or trouble, I guess so far get along just fine, we can debate all the time and end up, well…understand each other, or maybe we finally get tired after all tight fights.
What more would i expect, when i still can feed my indulgences just well and being always able to afford whatever trouble I voluntary drive myself into? Well, all I can say, I still can manage to stay nice and not bitch around.

But some people, I guess…they are so fucked up enough they pity themselves and turn into pimpled brats bitching around like their pimples are the worst in the world. Oh, hai bitch!
First of all, we are all born, alone *exceptional to those rare Siamese twins*, and we do all go fuck ourselves alone. So why should we drag people to our fucking trouble? So why bother fuck things around you up?

I really don’t get people who act like bullies while all their lives are oh so grown up. Isn’t it funny when you still get pissed off over something you really should not, when you still talk shit to someone whom you think won’t be able to attack you back, when you still shout out loud over small arguments, when you think you are able to fuck people’s lives and you do it just because they don’t give you what you want, in the time when you are earning more than US$ 3000/month and that’s not even included the luxuries your parents leave for you?

Oh yes, those sicko tribes are sadly exist. I unfortunately know one of them [oh yes bitch, apparently people do talk behind your back and that’s how I found out things about you].

Think I am taking this bitch way too much, but…hey, isn’t it what blog is for? Writing does help to make sense of myself, even about this utter rubbish. Nothing more, nothing less. You can read it in your own free will and the bitch, she can go fuck herself, let see if I care.

For what I stated earlier, I am a nice person, until you fuck around with me and leash the worst mother-fucker-on-earth inside me. And as far as I remember, this bitch is the first one, good signs that bitches don’t plague society much, no?

*pic is borrowed from sebithcen on deviantart

For her, I'd be a les and made love like a man.

2008-12-01T06:07:00.000-08:00

up row left to right:
Maria Ozawa, 22 years old, Japanese top AV [Adult Video] Actess
Born to Japanese mom and French/Canadian father, she's blessed with a perfect balance of Japanese beauty mixed with a dash of exoticism look, up more, unlike any usual scouted Jap AV actress, she researched and found her career path by her own.
in her very young age, she already earns minimum US$ 8000/month, with such a wise way of investment [like having a mansion worth of US$ 1682/month]. Something about her simply "girl next door" attitude is so intriguingly appealing to me.

Chiaki Kuriyama, 24 years old, actress/model
Ever since i saw her as a bloodthirsty schoolgirl-dressing bodyguard in Kill Bill, i can't help gasping everytime i see her. There's something in her flat expression that somehow, erotically charged. Maybe it's her eyes and lips.

down row left to right:
Zhou Xun, 32 years old, actress/singer/model
Her face is just so unforgetably potraying a perfect beauty of Chinese girl to me, she's 32 and doesn't look like one at all.

Gemma Ward, 21 years old, model
not much to say, she's totally ethereal, an exotic blonde, the rarest of creatures.

Looking at these women, yes, my inner pervert suddenly dominates me [call me secretly lesbian if you like] devours me with overwhelming sensation of admiration.

*inspired by some girl's web i stumbled upon accidently.

Dearie, you can't catch up with the business crowd, for sure.

2008-11-29T15:23:00.000-08:00

As the days turn into months and months turn into year and then into decades…I kinda sense that I almost am cured from my Peter Pan syndrome.

Indicator? To my biggest dismay, I was updating myself into Thailand politic turmoil, firstly as a feed to my nerves to find out the current situation in the airport regarding the upcoming concert of Manic Street Preachers –which to my grief, was cancelled- and as I read, somehow there was something ticking in my lil head, and popping out a picture of the future.

Not to the fact that I can read future, mind you, but it is more that suddenly there was an understanding that if Thailand was having a recession and now is facing a prolonged closing of Swarnabhumi airport that leads a huge decline to tourism sectors, the country will face a huge drag down in economic growth. Beyond despite, it will affect all sectors including advertising.

And as one thing leads to another, the picture begin to get processed, then I start to put in my mind that I might loss my job anytime within the upcoming years –in additional to the fact that my company has a reputation of doing huge mass of lay offs in the previous years.- Having said that, begin to think of putting my shoes in a “wallstreet” kind of people –yeah rite…-
I started to think of how to manage my money, what to do next, what to invest, and…
To that point. I loss interest to myself.

I am being a 27! act and think like one.
It’s not that I am being oh so out of sense of being an adult –mind my words, please- but I just don’t like the nature of getting so much worry about the future, because to my plain mind, worrying is the seed of greed.
It produces a state of needing to have more knowing that you will not have for someday. You will start to care much about your own belongings, start to see things as what future it brings. And to the acute condition where you will start to think that your money should work for you and you will be so mindedly handcuffed to everything regarding the M word. And that…scares me, completely and utterly.

None much of a bible reader nor a religious person I am, but I do believe that, everything has been prepared, and we are preparing everyday, we wake up and what are we preparing actually if is not the days coming? Why be so worry? Why so much wanting to have more…why can’t we just stay on satisfy level? Or why cant we reach that satisfy level?

My-o-my, here I was when I went to see the end of the world
by Irvine, age 26 years 10 months 30 days.

*pic from ffffound.com

the second sister

2008-11-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

is irvine x rayray the fish.
left is my sketch drawing and right is rayray's work.
i currently still struggle to find a way to bring more soul to the characters i draw, while rayray is doing his digital paintings.

the camera obscura

2008-11-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

“There is something that comes suddenly like a wind on a warm summer’s evening. It takes you off guard and leaves you with no peace. It follows you like a shadow and it’s impossible to shake. I don’t know what it is, so I can only call it love.” –diary of Yu Hong, Summer Palace-

Lately, well…since couple years ago, I never really felt that way of loving that stated by Yu Hong the character in Summer Palace the movie who was wrecked by her love to Zhou Wei. And two weeks ago, after watched it, I discussed it my best friend, who later on emailed me a long mail, telling about the empty space he had inside that couldn’t be filled neither with sex nor attempt to love. Then today, I found this statement: “I was having an empty headed about love”. From my "ex Yu Hong" on his philosophy master assignment. The one who didn’t give me peace for more than 5 years, and wetted both my heart and eyes. The one who gave me nightmares, the one who marred my heart.

Then he stated a brief commentary on love according to some philosopher he knew, whether we love the who or the what.
To my confusion, why he separate love into those things? I mean, aside from the love we have from God, our parents, our family or our very best friends, nobody would have the ability to love as in man to woman without seeing the what that make us who.
Who I am is what I am. I am is Irvine because of what inside me, what made me, what I am doing, what I am thinking. Do you think that people can simply love you once they see you? Come on, are you in high school? Nothing as love at the first sight. That’s crush.

If, I saw a guy, then suddenly I felt a huge storm swirling inside me, then I know that this guy meant something to me, aside from who he was. Romantically said, we got along, then I found that he was a totally different person than who I was. Would you think I stay in love with him? go all the way, sacrifice anything I had to be with him, sacrifice my life to be adjusted with his? Because I love him for who he is?
Yeah, Cinderalla would, but I won’t.
To my deepest regret, we are living in a reality hence of some kind of utopia world we was dreaming or Derrida was thinking, hundred years ago, honey.
Hope you see my point and more over you see your heart instead of your empty head that pour out my heart.

Sigh, am I subjective or so deeply wounded to write this on my PMS day?

the girl who sells her certainty and buys bewilderment instead

2008-10-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

So far, nobody has asked the question I’ve been reluctant to answer, at least not in a proper English that I could understand ☺. So, I’m going to ask it myself and try to answer it myself, prepare for the day the question comes.

The question is: why Bangkok?
Or, in the expanded form: Why do you want to work in Bangkok?
And being me, my immediate impulse is shrugging my shoulders and smile.

But then, let me be professional once and dare to answer a challenge in a good manner.
As a young graduate, I chose to enter advertising world amongst any other working world I could pick like the graphic world where I was graduated from. I thought it was such an interesting way to earn money, where you can be both idealist and commercial.

I was, of course, wrong. I didn’t get what I wanted. What I got instead was, in retrospect, much more different: I stayed idealist in the stream of materialistic.
And that was drowning me further into the dirty field advertising ploughed.
Slowly I realized that the advertising I dreamt of was wholly fictional in Indonesia, and that the real advertising, was much bigger to see.

The advertising person experience like mine, was like this, on the one hand, there’s the materialistic world and on the other hand, there’s the world of advertising. Both are much bigger than you are. So you try and make sense of it. You try to figure it out. And that was I thought too much to do with not much satisfying results. It is like trying to salt the sea.

But when I saw ads from Thailand, they are so much different from what Indonesia has, they ingeniously break all the hugeness of both worlds and then assemble it in their ways: dazed, shameless, secretly slick, humble yet wondrous. It was as if they are having both hands shaking in perfect balance and says: nobody dies because of advertising.

To be really honest, I was never dared to put Bangkok in my goal list, not in my 2-3 years plan ahead, at least.

I was actually trying Singapore, which I thought was easier to reach. I mean, Singapore is the land of competitive people doing anything to be the best –which make them they are now-, so as long as you try HARD, you will get there. But Thailand, they solely injected souls in everything they do, it is about blood and soul you are putting on. Not just your energy, because it can go waste after years.

So, as much as I helped my luck to see the bigger picture of advertising, it helped me back and halted me from selling my youth to Singapore. Instead it assured me to sell my certainty and buy bewilderment in Bangkok.
So, here I am, and so far, in these 3 weeks, I have a sense that there are lots to buy though I sold much too…☺

Actually, looking back, it wasn’t really that I’d dared, rather that I had had no choice ☺.

ready, jet set go!

2008-09-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

have you ever dreamed about something that you really really wanted to the point that it became so sacred?

i think...it feels really weird to have your dream come true, it's somehow giving you excitement and fear at the same time.
just like when you are about to bind in a roller coaster.

so now, i'd better get in, close my eyes and get ready to be thrilled and screaming out loud till i can't hear my terrified mind...

Memento mori

2008-09-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

Sepenggal chatting saya dengan seorang teman beberapa malam lalu:

dia: hidup gue udah gak lama lagi nih, umur gue tinggal 10 tahun lagi…
[jeda lama…karena saya binggung, apa ya yang harus saya jawab, untungnya ini percakapan di yahoo messenger yang memberikan kita cukup waktu untuk berpikir sebelum menjawab. Akhirnya setelah mikir-mikir, menimbang antara beberapa jawaban klise saya memilih menjawab seperti ini]

Saya: oh ya? Kok bisa?

Dia: iya, gue udah sakit parah, sakit gula

saya: diabetes? Yang bilang umur tinggal 10 tahun lagi siapa?

Dia: iya, diabetes. Yang bilang dokter

Saya: Kok dokternya jadi hebat banget bisa tau?

Dia: hahaha…dokternya gak ngomong gitulah…cuma ya dia menyiratkan kalo hidup gue udah gak lama lagi aja. Salah satu jari kaki gue luka, dan gak bisa sembuh-sembuh, udah mulai hitam dan membusuk, kalo gak bisa sembuh juga ya harus dibuang…
[lagi-lagi jeda lama…kali ini, karena saya teringat pada almarhum kakek saya yang sekitar belasan tahun lalu juga menderita diabetes dan berkasus serupa dengan teman saya, mengalami luka di jari tangan, tidak sembuh-sembuh sampai akhirnya diamputasi, jadi saya memang tidak bisa menghibur teman saya bahwa dia akan baik-baik aja.]
saya: trus, solusinya apa?

Dia: ya, gue sih sering kontrol ke dokter, mulai jaga makan sesuai anjuran dokter gizi. Lagian, emang keluarga gue rata-rata meninggal karena diabetes, bokap gue, nenek kakek gue.

Saya: ya…sebenernya semua orang juga menghitung waktu kan? Gue juga lagi nunggu kapan hidup gue selesai.

Dia: hahaha…iya, lagian gue dari dulu juga cita-cita pengen mati muda…

Setelah ngobrol dengan teman saya, saya jadi berpikir betapa sebenarnya kita benar-benar seperti sedang menunggu giliran secara random yang pola pemilihan gilirannya tidak terbaca.
Entah mana yang lebih baik, dapat mengetahui berapa lama waktu yang tersisa untuk kita atau lebih baik tidak pernah tahu sampai akhirnya giliran kita tiba?

Almarhum ayah saya, meninggal dengan cara yang ke dua. Tanpa sakit, tanpa pernah mengenal dokter yang bisa “meramalkan” lamanya waktu yang tersisa. Tahu-tahu gilirannya dipanggil tiba. Ketika seluruh keluarga saya berduka, saya malah merasa terlalu egois untuk terus menangis. Kenapa? Karena menurut saya, ayah saya pasti lebih sedih lagi. Di sini, di dunia ini, saya dan keluarga masih punya banyak sahabat dan saudara yang menemani dan menghibur, bagaimana dengan ayah saya?
Tidakkah ia pergi sendiri? Menghadapi entah apapun yang akan terjadi, sendirian?
Menurut agama saya, setiap orang yang meninggal akan pergi menyongsong hidup abadi, hidup yang lebih indah dan ia ditemani oleh Tuhan. Tanpa bermaksud buruk, tetapi darimana mereka tahu? Bukankah Tuhan selalu bersama siapapun? Hidup dan mati? Memang benar berbahagialah orang yang tidak melihat namun percaya.

Dan saya memilih untuk tetap percaya, bahwa apapun yang terjadi setelah kita mati, adalah sebuah misteri. Karenanya, saya juga percaya, adalah baik untuk selalu mengingat bahwa misteri bersifat tidak terungkap, sehingga kita juga selalu waspada dan tidak lengah.
Mencium ibu setiap hari, mengatakan betapa saya sangat menyayangi sahabat-sahabat saya, mencoba hal-hal yang baru, hidup seolah-olah waktu saya tinggal hari ini.

relationshift

2008-08-29T09:25:00.001-07:00

last time on a coffee shop i was chatting with my besrfriend when he told me: wouldn't it be easy if we had a book on relationship steps.

say there would be a law, consists of steps to relationship

eg:
1. after a first date, if the two feel fine, one shall have rights to hold other's hand and kiss when apart.
2. after several dinners, it should be ended with staying over and sex.
3. if there are no more invitation to next date or dinner there would be a clear sign of relationship terminated.

say...things would be easier, no more guessing, mo more hassle, no more panic,
no more fun and...we could call ourselves: robots.

Jakarta Rock Parade, is a deal or a steal?

2008-07-17T02:32:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to the first Jakarta Rock Parade, which more was the pity than a hard-rocking parade. While the sound system alone were great and the fact that there were lots of great local bands playing, I felt sorry for the organizer who failed to launch such an event.

I mean, if we thought about it, it was a rock event, which supposedly brought up the rock spirit, let alone how they had line ups of indie bands, hence they charged a quite amount of money: 200.000 IDR [approx: 18 USD/day] I know, it would be cheap IF we counted that there were more than 30 bands each day. But come on, these bands usually are having FREE FUN gigs! Or if we had to pay, they asked for great deal price rather than a shock of numbers, like 30.000IDR [approx: 2.5 USD] for 3 indie bands plus drink. I mean, from all 30 bands we wouldn’t like them all, rite? OR say, we liked them all, I guess only few of us would be eager using our supernatural power to see all the 30 bands while they were playing from noon till midnight in FOUR different stages!

Even the worse case was, they were planning to have international bands like Yeah Yeah Yeahs as their specials shows, indeed, there were no international bands.
And aside from the Saturday special shows which had the old rocking legendary bands like Ucok Harahap and Andy Tielman who was coming from Netherlands, the rest of the special shows were the local bands which again, we supposedly can enjoy in a better deal anytime, seriously.

And they didn’t change the 400.000 IDR [approx: 38USD] price for the special shows when they cancelled all the international bands.
Not to mention how disappointing the second day was. They had some bands and special shows cancelled, without any warning at the ticket box. Imagine you had come with a heart-banging feeling for your darling bands, you gave away some money on them and…ta-dah! As you got into the stage, they were not there. Quite a washout, eh?

So…came what might…the crunchiest rock event. As it would be a pity for us, the crowds, it was also a bummer for the bands given such a noiseless below their mighty sound stage and great gigs they performed.

As I was predicted, the price was reduced on Sunday, the 3rd day of the parade. From 200.000IDR to 50.000 IDR, well…that I guess, couldn’t mend the broken hearts of the rock lovers.

just when you thought you're wrecked enough...then you'll be wrecked.

2008-06-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

second learn, always listens to yer mom, no matter how annoying she is. her words are coming to you sooner or later.

third, never be so naive to believe.

forth, never be too lazy to carry your precious.

because, it sucks to lose your powerbook, on your own locked parked car when you're unemployed and depend your life on freelances.