The ghost from the past

I'll tell you a story to end my night. It's about the ghost from my past. It's not a horror story per se but it's haunting and daunting. Do you know how things passing you, leaving you a trail behind? Maybe some vague shadow or weak glimpse of something you merely can catch. That's how my ghost from the past looks like. I can't really describe it's existance, any fragments of it. Maybe because it never really exists or it's just a faint phantom. One time at the wee hour it woke me up by whispering nightmare to my ear. Later that day I had to get up without being obnoxious, of course it was ridicously hard knowing that I couldn't really remember anything but the idea of it having an access to my unconcious detered me. That was not it…another time on the rainy days it came over through the knock of the rain upon my window. It blanketed my vision with some foggy memories of things I've erased, the trash I've been dumped. Annoying isn't it? But I couldn’t help raking up what it had dredged up. Later that day, I felt like having chicken pox all over again. I know, I know you might say what others have told me: elude. I could always shun if it ever grabbed me by the arms, thing is, it never. How could you fight something you barely even see? How you steer clear from something that never blocks you out? How could you enter a very dark room? Am I dreaming or the ghost from the past was really here and there? pic's borrowed from ffffound [read more...]

The mood swing's daughter

It's gonna be too early to tell if one of my resolutions is to draw everyday. But I'm trying. I woke up to a very beautiful morning with an eager imagination. Then like a needle bursting a bubble, the PMS mood swing attacked. After a few punches and lips biting, I ran into my sketch book, started to draw. She's not what I had in my imagination, she's distorted, she's locked inside a tube of anger. She's plain, but she's trying...I was trying. [read more...]

She sees me seeing her seeing me

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Does anyone know where did the time fly away to?

because it didn't tell me... [read more...]

Saturday Surprise

Since I developed allergic to Noinoi's protein (which I believe coming from his sperm), Piwat and I decided to give Noinoi to his mom.
And up till early of this year, I still regretted the fact that Noinoi wasn't sprayed. I felt bad to see him running erratically as his hormones raging...
Thanks to @iwansutrisno, Piwat found the way to "satisfy" Noinoi's sexual excitement with his own hands. Though so, that wasn't the perfect way to get Noinoi happy.


Luckily, Piwat's mom found a neighbor who had rabbits and willing to give her one of the female. Meet Nuat! (from the word: Inuat (moustache))





Noinoi was more than [s]excited. The horny boy raped her, forged his willy to any of her holes, badass Noinoi!

So, come what may, look what Noinoi and Nuat brought to us yesterday!
4 whites and a black.









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for Echie

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things are breaking apart

just to fall right into places.




That's Piwat's albino lobster that he got from my brother 6 months ago (rumors said when it grows up it will value up to 10.000 bath/ 350 USD.)

2 mornings ago, it seemed indisposed, its legs were hobble, then...the next is what you see.

Do you know that lobsters shed their skin? We didn't...

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When I'm 64

and these feet no longer walking as fast and as strong...
will you take me far to this little heaven on earth?
to hear the stars singing lullaby
to feel the touch of morning dew...

and will we do the garden, digging the weed?





















and if you say yes, then let's grow old and get wrinkly together...


Petchaboon 4-5 March 2011


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[--------------]

If I tell you to not put your iphone next to your head, it isn’t my suggestion. It is actually stated in the iphone manual.



How did I get to know that? Well, I am just a common people like you, who never really read what’s stated on a manual, except to know how to activate my gadget, how to fully utilize it, anything that benefits me from my gadget.

Until two days ago:
I was bored in a car photo shoot (in case you haven’t been to any, it means 8 hours of taking ONE shot of a car that’s gonna be on an ad that you won’t read for more than a minute *unless you have 40.000 USD to lavish on a car.)
My mom called, told stories about her new friends, a 70-something years old couple travelling around Europe and Asia.
You get the picture.

So, I talked for about 45 mins with my mom. Around the 30th minute, I felt a spasm inside my head. But we were in a good mood and the talk ended 15 min later.
By that time, my iphone was moderately hot and a sense of nuisance was budding from the upper side of my left ear.

Of course, I’ve heard about potential harmful effect of the cell phone antennae’s radiation, but it’s either I ignored it or figured it was some sort of technological paranoia. One way or another, I always swished it off.

Until that unexpected nuisance.

So, I begun to search anything related to the [i]phone’s antennae effect when I bumped into this blog talking about the RF radiation and mentioned that it is suggested in the iphone manual that we should keep iphone 5/8 inch away from our body.
Now it gets me serious.
Later on, I dag out my iphone manual, turned every page and here’s what I read on the page 7:

iPhone’s SAR measurement may exceed the FCC exposure guidelines for
body-worn operation if positioned less than 15 mm (5/8 inch) from the
body (e.g., when carrying iPhone in your pocket).

For optimal mobile device performance and to be sure that human
exposure to RF energy does not exceed the FCC, IC, and European Union
guidelines, always follow these instructions and precautions: When on a
call using the built-in audio receiver in iPhone, hold iPhone with the dock
connector pointed down toward your shoulder to increase separation
from the antenna. When using iPhone near your body for voice calls
or for wireless data transmission over a cellular network, keep iPhone
at least 15 mm (5/8 inch) away from the body, and only use carrying cases,
belt clips, or holders that do not have metal parts and that maintain at
least 15 mm (5/8 inch) separation between iPhone and the body.


I stared at the words. This is what concerns me: Apple knows something. They know enough to put this consideration (carefully crafted until legally accepted into a state of mitigating.)
I couldn’t help but imagined if a worst case scenario happened, all the liabilities would be easily shifted as Apple had gently suggested us.

So, now what?
Off course, we can start ignoring how weird we will look holding the iphone this far 5/8 inch or this far: [--------------] away from our head, talking on speaker or with a headset as a precaution.
But do bear in mind that the radiation also presents even when we’re not on a call.

In my case, now my iphone is officially moved from my jeans pocket to my –black hole- bag, am going back to a clock alarm, avoiding my iphone anywhere near the bed and…sharing this with you.

further reading

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waking up in the city that never sleeps

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Lil veggie patch

let the water flow
let the wind blow
let the sun glow
then you'll know
how to grow grow grow.
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cloudy with a chance of...sunshine!

Guitar has failed me as far as I could remember.
The only one song I manage to play on a guitar, will be...the intro of Linger.
And for music's sake, it's a guitar dummy song! yet I couldn't manage to play a full version...
speaking of a broken heart...

I almost forget the whole idea of me and guitar cuddling in the rain,
me hugging her curvy body, trying to make her moan...
While all I could hear was a shriek *I am no good at fingering her, I guess...


Then, just like when you were brokenhearted and ready to let go all the chances...
Ha! that's when something beautiful comes offering a new hope.
So, all you can do is, falling in love all over again and trying all your best.

Quoting Amanda Palmer, the heroine of all playgirls:
"Ukulele asks to not to be taken seriously... there's a kind of lightness and a kind of charming fervority...it's not very dynamic, it forces you to strip down and tell your story."

So,it's all begin...


UNKL.UKE from UNKL NEIL taken with EOS 550D from CAPT.MM
these are two of my new favorite things!
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this is it

I was invited to a bible study by a devoted Christian colleague few days after new year. This is like me getting invited to a 3 days in a row rave party. As much as I am honored of being considered, that is just not my cup of tea, and invitiation to a high tea with the Queen will also serve the same feeling. But, it is not fair to reject something that I have never tried before. Anyway, it is just an appropriate favor when a colleague nicely offer you a, well...maybe friendship and way to know God, better.



So, I did went to their bible study. Now, I've decided that it was my first and last.

It is not that I got burnt, but is just that what they have in mind about God are counter to mine. For me, God and faith is something personal and private. I don't want any noise of other opinions drown mine. It won't, I know, so that also leaves me with: "what's the point of joining than if I don't want to take any of those views?"

As I hit the number 29, I realize that in a year, less than 360 days from the time I wrote this, I would be the number 30. And all those time, spinning in a speed of light. I don't wanna waste anymore of my time listen to things I don't want to listen or watching too much porn. Because at the end, it is my inner voice that knows best and anything else, is secondary. I am tightening.

So far, it feels good to listen to yourself, to brave yourself refusing things that you don't [really] like. Get drown into yourself gives serenity that taking you away from dogma.
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Your life is so busy, then...

I would SCREAM OUT LOUD till I turned GREEN.
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To be continued...

Au revoir the year of daze and confusion. Twas started with a strange trip to Ho Chi Minh. Flied out from the chaotic Bangkok to experience living on a high lane in KL. Central World was half burnt down. Winning the Killer's ticket but Flower's mom was dead and strained days in Singapore were begin. A good friend turned to be Judas Iscariot, but me no Jesus. A pure heart was spoiled by paranoid mind. Singapore Airlines failed big time. A great ECD was axed and the whole working field had turned to be a battleship with no side to take on. Walked out from the English to the Japanese. Pocket was torn for investment on someone's future. Love grew bigger, so did the room, 45 to 68, 12 to 21. The beach was as beautiful as the mountain, Samui as Khao Yai. 2 best friends got married. The sister graduated. The brother graduated. A future in law got married. 3 best friends got pregnant. A cousin got pregnant. A niece was born. Grandma passed away. Braces were taken out. 2 good friends found love. Meeting the future extended family in laws. The first twig of our very own nest had been put.

The sweetest met the bitterest , 2010 was as surreal as the rabbit hole. Less than i know, the rabbit has appeared, I am ready to jump higher.

Thank you for another year to experience the good and the bad. For another year of opportunity to embrace life. For another year of chances to re-do the good and get better. For another year to forgive the heart, make peace with the self and be happier.

Happy new year isn't anything new but it never gets old to be wished!
Cheers for your lucky number 1.1.11, it's a good odd to start an unexpected year!

xoxo

The new year's daughter

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An Ode to the Ocean

The mind's opened
The infinite universe's revealed
The soul is left to wander...


taken with Canon G10
music: Sogg by Amiina
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Hohoho!

For the dearest friends who keep the world sane
For the family who teach the value of virtue
for the lover who make the journey less hard to travel
for the job that keeps safe and warm
for the dreams that keep me going
for the health that make things possible
for the bad things that teach patience
for the mistakes that make a better person
for the good heart experienced every day that keep me believing


I've been so blessed...and I hope you know how you too, have been my blessing.

Merry Christmas and happy holiday, everyone! [read more...]

for the unconditional love.

She
May be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
May be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day


She
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream

She may not be what she may seem inside her shell

She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry

She
May be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years

Me
I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For wherever she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is She.




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what is it in a name?

On Friday 19 Nov, 2010 20.10
I left my iphone 3GS in one of the toilet in Plaza Indonesia.
It took me 10 minutes after leaving the toilet to get alarmed.
By the time I got there...it was obviously gone.


So, after running around the mall with no explicit reasons except to find a glimpse of an old lady who was in the same toilet after me (10 minutes later after me.)I sat down with my dearest friends, laughing while began to learn my lesson.

lesson #1 is to listen to your instinct.
Before I took out my phone I knew I was gonna forget it if I put it down on the top of the toilet, yet...I was still doing it.

I called Piwat later at night to tell him that I lost my phone and it was out of service so I couldn't locate it.
lesson #2 is to keep a guy who gives you an expensive thing and doesn't get upset at all when you carelessly lose it because your feeling is more important to him.


In the morning, I got an idea to activate my Bangkok number although it was gonna be a hell of hassle for Piwat. Aside from his wish to enjoy the weekend cleaning the apartment and watching final Sepak Takraw Thailand- Malaysia, Piwat asked me to wait. There's no point doing things if the finder is a finder-keeper, if s/he wants to return it s/he will find a way.

lesson #3 is to listen to the lesson #2 guy.

lesson #4 never storm into the storm.

On Saturday, 20 Nov, 2010 15.55
My mom received an SMS: "Selamat sore, ini mamanya Irvine bukan ya? bisa tolong telepon saya? terima kasih"

and there Juliet Capulet, the finder of my iphone name's Angel...
lesson #5 A name is more than just a name...


ps: Regarding lesson #1 when I "lost" my phone, everybody was so worried except me and Piwat, in my side, somehow there's something inside me telling me that the phone is still mine. At that time, I of course ignoring my heart, what the hell it knew, eh? but heaven knew.

lesson #6 Prayers and good heart will lead you to a good karma.

and in this case I am more than blessed to have all good people surrounding me, helping me with their prayers and good karma.
(This is including Hilda, who returned a Blackberry and an iphone that she found in Central Park's toilet a month ago).










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The Art of Emptiness

I am not, I will not be.
I have not, I will not have.
This frightens all children and kills fear in the wise.
-Nagarjuna-



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63,113,904 seconds of sundries.

It’s not about saying goodbye that makes me sad, it’s what I have to leave behind that’s hard. In my case, it’s leaving a great partner like Riva.

On our first year in Lowe Bangkok, Riva and I lived nearby; we used to walk together on our way back home from Lowe, little did I know that those walking have taken a big part of my Bangkok memory.
One of our creative directors always wonders about what we talked during that 20 minutes walk after spending time sitting side by side all day at work.


Being away from home, in the land where people don’t talk your language -nor English- is hard, but with a good companion like Riva, it’s doable. I feel like his presence is one of the whys I could survive till this far.

I took a short walk to recollect what Riva and I have done together these past two years but I ended up thousand miles from where I started.

When we came to work in Lowe Bangkok, let alone had ideas of how to manage a life there, we'd never been there before. And many times on the couple first months, we wanted to leave and got back home, somehow we didn’t. We never bought things because we didn’t want to end up piling up stuffs we didn’t know how to take home. We felt alienated when we talked to the locals and we felt left out when we talked with our colleagues who mostly were much more senior.

It’s just like we were thrown back to our teenage years where the firsts happened. We were excited, we were lost and we hung on there by creating our own new theories of survival.

I question where did our two years fly to? We felt like Bangkok has stolen our time being. Friends who were singles now parents, friends who were reckless now restless. And we, we always thought that as if we were capsulated in a time machine.

But really, it’s not. Riva’s no longer having 3 digits weight and has a great future with an adorable girl; I’m no longer having crooked front teeth or celebrating New Year as a single. We now accept the fact politics happen everywhere, shit happens, bad energy exists and only pure heart saves. We have significant deposits in our accounts. We believe that only good works matter. We do not worry much. And we are closer than we were before.

There are times we experienced that’s defined by a singular emotion but most of important times in our 2 years together are defined by a mix of feelings that blends perfectly like a quintessential cocktail. The ingredients are simply: supporting each other, being ears and mouths for each other and some others odds that I’m not able to describe. All I know is that cocktail tastes nice, strange and a bit spicy, enough to make my eyes water.

And I am glad that it was Riva. Quoting what our dearest friend: Iwan said: “Well, actually when you’re no longer working with Riva, you should be happy, cos now you and Riva are officially best friends, not colleagues.”
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Bangkok merindukan Jakarta.

Pagi dingin 'gak ada sinar mentari
Dan langit pun terlihat gelap
Mendung datang lagi

Dan aku berdiri di atas gedung yang tinggi
Memandang ramainya Jakarta
Menyambut pagi ini

Aku di sini, sendiri...
Aku di sini, oh sepi...
Mengapa aku di sini?
Jakarta pagi ini

Pagi sunyi 'gak ada burung bernyanyi
Putih embun pun kini telah terkontaminasi
Aku seperti terbang 'gak memijak bumi
Di antara merahnya emosi Jakarta yang
S'makin ternodai

Aku di sini
Walau apa yang terjadi sampai aku mati

Tempatku bukan di sini...
Jakarta pagi ini



Pagi ini, saya mendengarkan lagu ini di dalam shuttle bus yang membawa saya dari apartemen ke kantor.
Pagi ini, saya berangkat lebih pagi dari biasanya.
Pagi ini, saya merasa tempat saya bukan di sini.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan hiruk pikuk ibu dan adik-adik saya setiap pagi.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan nasi uduk sarapan pagi lengkap dengan sambal terasi yang dibeli terburu-buru untuk di makan di mobil.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan terjebak di kemacetan pagi Jakarta sembari mendengarkan Panji dan Steni di Radio Hardrock.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan datang pagi di kantor, bergosip lalu menertawakan kebodohan diri bersama Fenny Safero, Lucy dan Acha.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan masa mengerjakan tugas kuliah DKV sampai subuh, lalu mendengarkan lagu ini di atap rumah Echie, bersama Hilda, Carla dan Indri...
Pagi ini, saya merindukan Rensi yang kadang sudah menelepon di pagi hari hanya untuk memastikan saya akan datang ke kampus.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan datang ke kampus pagi-pagi untuk kelas jam 7, lalu makan bubur ayam PG.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan ketakutan karena akan terlambat masuk kelas sementara PR matematika belum dibuat dan belum belajar untuk ulangan biologi.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan ngobrol di depan kelas I-5 bersama Rensi, Shierly, Anne, Karini dan Brigida.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan saat menulis email untuk Maudy dan berkeluh kesah tentang galaunya hati.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan Wira yang akan menjemput untuk lari pagi di Senayan.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan saat membaca email dari Ardi tentang ia dan logika-logika berpikirnya, dan menemukan sebuah attachment berisi cerpen terbarunya.
Pagi ini, saya merindukan Jakarta...di mana semua yang saya cintai berada
semua yang mengerti saya tanpa kata-kata dan logika berada...

Pagi ini, saya ingin pulang...



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Do we always need to know where the story ends?

"I don't know the key to success but I know the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
- Bill Cosby-


I used to have a very good friend here in Thailand. We shared stories, of my numb heart, of her healed slits. We shared laughter, dreams and good times. Or at least that what I thought we had…



She used to bring rainbows in my life until she one day brought my boyfriend, her best friend, to our friendship. She used to share everything with him, including our new friendship.

Here’s the thing: I didn’t just wake up one morning having my boyfriend as my boyfriend. There were whole long periods of knowing each other, of finding each other fit and of feeling that we wanted more than just friendship. I didn’t steal him from anyone nor I owed anyone anything for our relationship.

Maybe she’s hurt because she feels that she lost us. But the truth is, she didn’t. Maybe she knows what she’s dealing with but just not knowing how to deal with it. Maybe we were being lovebirds, ignoring her, maybe…

So much dramas, unspeakable exasperation, silent jealousy… sadness and loss remained mum…

We’re not the same ever since…she lost me, I lost her, she lost him, he lost her. The fact that she lost the most, actually made the whole thing doubly sucked.

Times and life: they’re all moving. Things and plans: they are changing.
We don’t know how the story goes, let alone directing the happy endings and we just can’t please everyone, can we?

Sadly as it is, but I just wish we didn’t have to choose, because actually there’s nothing to choose. Why can’t we just live together, stop being over think and just enjoy the times? Because strange time it is that we are having…

pic's borrowed from ffffound

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this bruises

will heal...
but it is more than just the color blue on the skin. [read more...]

on the attempt to be "Domestic Goddess" #1

well, after almost two years living in Bangkok, I am proudly presenting you my new ability to cook a real Thai cuisine: Tom Yum Pla!

Tom Yum pla is a sour spicy soup, the taste is very light yet so refreshing. It could be less spicy if you can't take spicy food, but it should be sour.

Piwat was the head chef of this Saturday Lunch Project, but it was me who initiated the idea, prepared all the ingredients, and...cooked it! *smug alert!

it's a very simple + non hassle soup and I'm glad to share it with you. If one day you decide to try it, please share me the story of how it goes on your side.

So, all the chefs, swipe your trickles of drool and here we go!



Ingredients




4 cups of water
2 Lemongrass stalks, cut into 4 pieces each and smash.
4-6 torn Lime Leaves
3 slices of Galangal
2-3 Limes [depends on how sour you'd like it to be]
10 - 15 bird's eye chili [depends on how far you can handle it]
1 tomato [at the end, we didn't use it because Piwat didn't like it, but the taste is still as great]
1 stem Coriander [including the root]
3 tablespoon of Fish Sauce
A pinch of Ajinomoto MSG
1 teaspoon dry chili



3 Thai Mackerel [small size]



A bowl of Oyster Mushroom

DIRECTIONS

Soup Stock

1.Boil the water in a small pan, add the crushed Lemongrass stalk, Cilantro root, Galangal, 2-3 bird's eye chili and torn lime leaves.
Turn the heat to medium, and boil the herbs for about 5 minutes to release the flavor. The soup color will be light green after that.

2. Add Thai Mackerel to release its stock. Cook for another 2-3 minutes.

3. Throw all the mushroom and cook for another 3 minutes until they're soft.

Soup Flavor

While waiting, squeeze the lime juice in a medium bowl. Add fish sauce, crushed bird's eye chili and dry chili, put a pinch of Ajinomoto.

Finale.
Once your soup stock is done, pour the water, fish and mushroom into the soup flavor bowl [you can leave lemon grass, lime leaves and galangal behind]
Add some more fish sauce, dry chili or lime juice to adjust your taste.

Garnish with Cilantro.



YUM! AROY MAK!
[translation: yum! super delicio!]

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